What Are You Waiting For?: The One Thing No One Ever Tells You About Sex

A Q&A with Author Dannah Gresh Q: Describe how your new book will break new ground on the topic of sexuality and purity? A: And the Bride Wore White (a book I wrote over 10 years ago) has really transformed the way young women have chosen to live their lives. Over 20,000 churches have used it as a curriculum with their youth groups or in teen Sunday school classes. For that reason, I really want my readers who trust me to know that my new book What Are You Waiting For? will be grittier in substance. But the grittiness has a purpose. This book is needed, and the language that teens use about sexuality has changed. I’m not going to shy away from topics like masturbation or words like orgasm, because I believe that teens know the words, and I think they need a biblical filter system to really sift through them, to define value to them and to figure out how their understanding of sexuality fits into their relationship with God as well as their relationship with their future spouse. There’s one more unique difference in this book. In the last five years, science has drastically advanced our knowledge of how the body responds to sexuality. One of the biggest breakthroughs has been advanced brain scanning and chemical analysis that has provided a more complete picture of sexual brokenness. Whether you have a biblical view of sexuality or whether you have a view as an atheist, what we know now is that there is incredible brokenness in a young woman when she has a sexual partner and then breaks that relationship off. Here’s what we know: When a young woman has sex, her brain is covered with a chemical called dopamine. Dopamine, if you will, is an addiction drug. When the body experiences any kind of pleasure, whether it’s from working out and getting a good sweat or from using cocaine, it washes the brain in dopamine. Now, it’s a value-neutral drug so the brain doesn’t determine “this was a good thing for my body” or “This was a bad thing for my body.” The activity raises the chemical level in your brain and creates a literal addiction to the source of the dopamine. What does that do for a young woman who is in a sexual relationship with someone? She becomes addicted to that person. So, we know a lot more about sex than we did 10 years ago when I wrote my first book, and I would like young women to be equipped with that information-- to look at everything sexual through God’s eyes and through an intelligent understanding of sexuality. Q: What have you heard from young women that confirms their eagerness and need for the insights they will find inside What Are You Waiting For? A: Their response to one other critical finding clearly demonstrates their hunger for this information. I’ve taken the opportunity to trace God’s word for the Hebrew word for sex through the Bible. Starting with Genesis 4: 1 where we first see it, I follow it all the way through to the book of Revelations. The word is “yada.” In looking at this word yada , we can see what God’s heart really is on the subject of sex. We can even see it in our relationship with Jesus Christ. Every time I talk about this word, teens and college students come to me and say “that’s it.” It’s kind of this “eureka moment” in which young women realize “that’s it…that’s why it’s so sacred, that’s why I’m so sex crazed, that’s why it’s so painful when I use it casually, that’s why it’s worth the wait.” Everyone that’s ever heard me talk about yada has this moment. This one amazing word-- I guess when you hear one word from God, it’s big and it’s powerful. I’m excited to take it to print now after several years of teaching on it. Q: What truth do you expect or hope will live on in readers’ hearts long after they’ve finished the book? A: I hope that they will take away the greater significance of the word yada because it’s used in many important ways. For instance, the word is first used in Genesis 4:1-- “Adam lay with his wife Eve”-- that is “Adam yada his wife Eve and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain.” But then it is also used in verses like, “Be still and know ( yada ) that I am God.” It’s amazing to me that the word God uses to describe the holy intimate sexual relationship between a man and a woman is the same word that God uses to describe the nakedness and the intimacy that He wants to have in a relationship with us. It’s mind blowing. As I traced this word from Genesis into the New Testament, it is also used in terms of the sacrifice of Christ where Jesus himself said that a marriage relationship is really just a picture of a deeper love that He has for his bride, the church. That’s where the “aha” moment lies. There’s a G.K. Chesterton quote that I hope will be a catalyst to the “aha” moment: “Everyone who knocks on the door of a brothel is really looking for God.” When you think about it, that’s so true: everyone, whether they are looking at porn on the internet, or struggling with same-sex attraction, or involved in multiple sexual relationships--under it all, they are probably really looking for God. I hope that seeing this quote in the context of understanding yada , readers will be able to see the potential that their marriage relationship has to be a picture of Christ, and that they will be motivated to protect that picture. Because if our sexuality really is a picture of Christ in the church, how motivated do you think Satan is to destroy that picture? I want my readers to be deeply motivated to protect and experience sex as a really holy and deeply satisfying gift from God. Praise for What Are You Waiting For? “Dannah Gresh has hit on a simple yet undiscovered truth that puts seemingly random questions of sexuality in context. I love the way Dannah doesn’t shy away from or water down the tough issues, yet she never compromises God’s best for you! This is a must-read for any single Christian woman.” —Dr. Juli Slattery, clinical psychologist, Focus on the Family, and author of No More Headaches “Dannah Gresh has totally nailed it with this pertinent and hugely needed book. Written honestly and compellingly, this is a must-read for all teenage girls—wait, this is a must-read for everyone, especially teenage guys! I am so grateful for this important resource and plan to recommend it to all my young adult readers.” —Melody Carlson, author of Diary of a Teenage Girl series and the TrueColor series “Dannah Gresh hits another home run! What Are You Waiting For? is refreshingly real and relevant—definitely a timely message for today’s generation of young women!” —Shannon Ethridge, international speaker and best-selling author of Every Young Woman’s Battle “This is hands-down the best book about sexual fidelity I have ever read—informative, entertaining, and very inspiring. Dannah Gresh tackles the trickiest of topics with astonishing grace. Her explanation of the sacred power of sex is unblushing and revelatory. I know this is a book for girls, but every Christian guy should read it too. I’m already reading it for the second time.” —Nate Larkin, founder of the Samson Society and author of Samson and the Pirate Monks: Calling Men to Authentic Brotherhood “If you are looking for the gospel truth on the very real issue of sex and sexuality that all singles face, this is the book for you. Dannah Gresh talks to singles where they really live. Not only is it refreshing, it is liberating—as truth always is. Dannah does not dance around the issues but addresses them with in-your-face clarity that is sorely needed. Sharing the spiritual implications while balancing the reality of the natural world we live in, Dannah practically addresses how singles can be victorious in the battle between the flesh and the spirit.” —Michelle McKinney Hammond, author of What Women Don’t Know and Men Don’t Tell You “All I can say is wow! My assistant’s teenage daughter agreed to flip through this book for me as a favor and ended up absorbed in the entire thing! As she rightly put it, What Are You Waiting For? brings ‘amazing insight into what no one tells you about sex—and it really can strengthen the relationship you have with God and your future spouse.’ This book is a fantastic read. Dannah Gresh has such a special way of taking an important subject and making it appealing, practical, and accessible to everyone.” —Shaunti Feldhahn, best-selling author of For Women Only and For Young Women Only “In an age where sex is perverted and belittled—when it appears to be a tool in the hands of the Enemy rather than the God who created it—Dannah has shown us God’s pure intention for sexuality. Through an in-depth study of Scripture and confirmation in life experiences, she highlights the honest-to-goodness biblical truth behind one of life’s most precious and beautiful mysteries. Women young and old will read this book and find the inspiration and tools they need to treat God’s gift of sexuality with the respect and protection it deserves.” —Julie Hiramine, founder of Generations of Virtue and author of Beautifully Made “ What Are You Waiting For? is a well-written study of the sexual culture our teens are immersed in today and offers a culturally relevant perspective that aligns itself with the Word of God. Dannah has managed to walk the fine line of approaching this difficult subject in a way that will inspire teens to live holy lives and inspire parents to broach this delicate topic with their kids. This book is not for the faint of heart; however, neither is raising teenagers in our current society.” —Ron Luce, founder and president of Teen Mania Ministries DANNAH GRESH is the best-selling author of several books, including And the Bride Wore White and Lies Young Women Believe (coauthored with Nancy Leigh DeMoss). With a passion for speaking to teens and young adults about purity, Dannah is a frequent contributor to FamilyLife Today and Midday Connection and a recommended spokesperson on modesty by Focus on the Family. Dannah lives in Pennsylvania with her husband, Bob, and their three children. Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. Chapter 1: let’s get real This book is not for spiritual monks.xa0xa0xa0If you spend more of your time at church getting to know God’s Word than out in the world living it, you probably won’t like this book. It’s raw and real. If you can’t handle words like masturbation , orgasm , and porn , you should just put it down now. These are real-world words that real people use.xa0xa0xa0Frankly, I wish I didn’t have to use them. I find a more poetic, subtle approach to sexuality more romantic. Not to mention tasteful. It seems to me that the Bible—while not lacking in sexual instruction, ethic, and purpose—often presents the subject in veiled terms, leaving us unblushed by its modest references to a gift so tender. I’d like to write more like that, and I have in previous books, but not this one.xa0xa0xa0We don’t live in a modest world. And the fact is, I’m not a spiritual monk.xa0xa0xa0And you probably aren’t either.xa0xa0xa0My intention isn’t to shock you as I approach this topic more directly than I have before. And I don’t think I will. It’s not as if you haven’t heard about oral sex or girls kissing girls. My intention is to be relevant and to bring some practical clarity to the sadly common temptations our culture presses at you. I believe this is also a biblical approach. After all, think about the two letters Paul sent to the Corinthian church. While many subjects are covered in these letters and we can’t be sure exactly what was in the letters from the church to the apostle that precipitated his response, it seems that the Corinthians were asking a lot of practical questions about marriage and sex. They were conflicted by the promiscuous culture that surrounded them. So they wondered, “Is it even good to be married?” (Perhaps you wonder that too.) “Because sex is perverted, shouldn’t we also abstain in marriage?” (That one was way off course!) “If my spouse is unsaved, should I get divorced?”xa0xa0xa0The apostle answered their questions.xa0xa0xa0One by one.xa0xa0xa0He clearly addressed their uncertainties and confusion—and I hope to do the same for you. Well, I hope we can find some answers together. If you press into your questions and I press into my research, we can link the two to find some answers to the questions our cultural experiences tend to raise.xa0xa0xa0You and I live in a rather promiscuous culture, and questions about sex burn through our minds. And while I really hope you’ll build a great sexual theology as you think over what you find in these pages, I also want you to have a practical understanding of how to live it out. So I’ve spent a lot of time with college-aged young women in intimate conversation about the burning questions that run through their heads—the ones the world tries to address in its sexual excess but the church often runs from.xa0xa0xa0“Is masturbation a sin?”xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0“How do I know if he’s the one?”xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0“What if he has a problem with porn?”xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0“What if I’m a lesbian?”xa0xa0xa0And hold on to your seat—there’s more!xa0xa0xa0It is my hope that these very direct, very practical pages will give you the answers you need to live out what you believe. After all, what good is a sexual theology if it doesn’t speak to the issues of this contemporary day and age, where few are spiritual monks?xa0xa0xa0So what am I if not a spiritual monk?xa0xa0xa0Am I a girl gone wild?xa0xa0xa0No.xa0xa0xa0I am a biblical woman who loves God’s Word and feasts on it each day.xa0xa0xa0I am a sinful woman who has been healed by the perfecting love of my Savior.xa0xa0xa0I am a wife and mother who is honored to serve the Father in those roles.xa0xa0xa0I am an author empowered by the Holy Spirit to write and live out Truth.xa0xa0xa0I am a girl who occasionally watches The Ellen Show , and I think she’s sweet and funny and generous.xa0xa0xa0And that’s where it starts to get complicated—when my private, God-loving self interacts with a real world that doesn’t acknowledge Him as God. Just like you, I am trying to live out my faith in a very crazy world. Which is why I’m so glad to have found some tremendous clarity in God’s Word, which gives you and me a very clear definition of sex to consider. This definition answers every burning question and is thoroughly relevant for today. Once I discovered it, confusion over sexual questions was easy to resolve. I even came to understand why as a little girl I was predisposed to dressing up like a princess and dreaming that my prince would one day come. No one taught me to do that. It was a natural yearning as my heart began its search for my life partner.xa0xa0xa0For me, that dream came to its culmination during a thrilling moment of made-for-TV romance!xa0xa0xa0I was in college, and I was in love. Had been for two years. One problem: my prince was graduating, while I was obligated to one more year of servitude at Cedarville University. My boyfriend, Bob, had a part in Senior Night, a hilariously dramatic look back at the class’s four years. Naturally I planned to attend, but my heart was so sad. In fewer than twenty-four hours, he would be gone and I would be left behind for a quiet summer of classes.xa0xa0xa0After a quick bite at Colonial Pizza, Bob and I made our way to the university’s chapel. I found some friends to sit with. He made his way backstage.xa0xa0xa0I laughed my way through much of the night, but then Dr. Jim Phipps and Professor Meg Wheeler, the night’s emcees, began to talk about all the guys who’d recently been thrown into Cedar Lake. Getting thrown into the lake was every guy’s reward for flashing a diamond in front of his girl and hearing the word yes. A rite of passage coveted by every college couple, lake activity was rampant just before graduation. A yearning washed over me as they talked about all the happy proposals.xa0xa0xa0“What would a proposal like that look like?” The question was posed. And I wondered along with the audience.xa0xa0xa0Then…xa0xa0xa0Bob Gresh came out onto the stage…xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0xa0…with a black velvet box in his hand.xa0xa0xa0He was searching for me in the audience as the spotlight followed him.xa0xa0xa0My heart was thumping so heavily that I was certain it was shaking the solid twenty-foot pew I sat on—and everyone sitting on it with me.xa0xa0xa0“And then I’d take her by the hand,” he said, offering the audience the play-by-play as he approached me.xa0xa0xa0“And I’d lead her to the stage.” I followed him as he talked.xa0xa0xa0A single chair was waiting for me. I plopped into it, weak at the knees.xa0xa0xa0Then my prince bowed on one knee and took my left hand in his. “Dannah Barker,” he asked, looking lovingly into my eyes, “will you marry me?”xa0xa0xa0I paused.xa0xa0xa0Tears welling.xa0xa0xa0My breath had truly been taken by the moment. Apparently so had the breath of everyone in the audience, who had now caught on to the fact that this was real. And some lovesick twenty-one-year-old guy had just put his heart out for the taking or rejecting. The only sound in my ears was my loudly thumping heart and Bob’s nervous breathing.xa0xa0xa0Finally I nodded and barely mouthed the answer: “Yes!”xa0xa0xa0Bob slipped a brilliant diamond onto my left ring finger and then stood, pumping his fist into the air in victory. The audience collectively took a deep breath and then jumped to their feet in wild applause.xa0xa0xa0My prince had come!xa0xa0xa0I recently reached the milestone of being with him more years than I’ve lived without him, and he has spent all of those years romancing me. It’s never, ever stopped. Girl, this is the kind of guy you want to marry. I’m talking about the kind of guy who welcomes you home from a long trip with lit candles leading the way to a bubble bath so you can relax. I’m talking about the kind of guy who whisks you away to New York City, having arranged for the two of you to spend days visiting every scene from your favorite romantic movie until your heart melts. I’m talking about the kind of guy who texts insane love notes to you all hours of the day. (Last month’s goofiest text was: “I love you more than Cheetos.” Unless you understand how much the man loves Cheetos, you cannot appreciate the romance of that one!)xa0xa0xa0Do you want that kind of never-ending romance (okay, minus the Cheetos)? Dare to dig in with me for a few raw and real chapters about God, sex, and romance. Let me start in the next chapter by backing up a few years from Bob’s amazing marriage proposal to a time when I was asking a lot of questions myself. Read more