The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

This book is good for basic information, and learning about NPD.
When it was first released in 2002 it was ground breaking information.
It's a great starter book. However, like other reviewers I really wish that
there were sections about detaching, defusing, and "going low to no contact".
I have to agree with some of others, some situations just can't be salvaged,
no matter how much energy and effort you put into them, and often it's not
safe (or sane) to remain in the realm of The Narcissist and you've
got to leave A.S.A.P. to save yourself!

I'm giving this book 3 stars as a bit of a compromise.

The beginnings of the book are great---there is a very, very detailed description of what narcissistic personality disorder is. How it arises, how it manifests itself, what behaviors it engenders. This is a wonderful resource for any person who thinks he may be involved with a narcissist somewhere in his life.
If he is, he will feel like the author has been a fly on his wall. Disturbing, to say the least.

I'm removing one star for the author's strong suggestion that there is a NPD person : NPD codependent person dyad. I thought long and hard about that one, and simply cannot reason it out, unless it has to do with a specific form of psychiatric training--in which everybody has an "inner" self that is somehow twisted.

It seems to me that NPD people tend to focus on NICE people--nice people who never suspect that another person might be less-than-real in his presentation of himself, and who are therefore the perfect subjects for manipulation. They generally never know or understand what hit them until it's very late in the game.

They are victims--they've been cut from the herd by a predator.

Payson's assertion that these erstwhile "codependents" have also suffered some sort of narcissistic injury in childhood is. . .IMHO, pretty silly, as most of us at about the age of 3 hear the word NO, when we want something. Bit of a shock to find out the world is not an extension of one's toddler-will!
But it's how a normal kid develops the idea that other people are in fact other people, with thoughts, feelings, motives and wants of their own. . . which don't always mesh with his. Too bad! And that's perfectly normal. That's why there are "terrible two, terrible 3 years."

To further suggest that the "codependent" victim is also to blame for the unpleasant treatment s/he receives is tantamount to telling a crime victim: Well, what were you thinking by leaving your house for the day?

I've subtracted another star--and considered subtracting 2 of them, for her late-in-the-book praise for a fellow named Peck, who has focused his research and writing on exploring the nature of evil.
Exploring human behaviors is all well and good, but Dr. Peck has gone a bit further and feels that demonic possession is responsible for some evil in some people. He claims that it is very real. That it can be exorcised.

Again, this is my opinion, but although NPD does seem to place a person on the spectrum of evil--with severe NPD possibly the cause or approaching the cause of sociopathology (serial killers. . . ). I simply do not think it's appropriate or really even reasonable for Payson--who presents herself as a serious social scientists and psychologist--to include in her work a glowing reference to Dr. Peck.
Possession, after all, is a concept occurring in some but not all faiths and cultures. A reference to Peck would seem to be a great way to alienate some readers, and to get them to question the intelligence of the rest of the book.

Nevertheless: If you want to know if your boss, lover, family member, or next-door-neighbor has NPD and is gaslighting and manipulating you---Do Read This Book. You will know the answer inside of 3 chapters.

This book starts of well but loses momentum. For the price I paid for it (about 17-20 UK pounds) I expected it to provide more insightful information above anything you can google on the internet, which it doesn't. The chapters which I would have thought should be the most useful for someone dealing with a narcissist turned out to be the LEAST useful- and those were the ones on personal relationships- i.e family and partners. For the chapter on relationships it would have been useful to have some sort of a quiz to first establish whether your partner is a narcissist and the degree to which they are narcissistic. In addition to SPECIFIC examples of narcissist behaviors e.g always making plans for outings in their favor. You can find this on the internet. But it doesn't do this and is very vague. Both the chapter on family and relationships are unnecessarily "wordy", as though the author is trying to fill out space and lacking in SPECIFIC detailed CASE-STUDIES not just a few examples here and there. They read more like a protracted campaign to get people into therapy. Also, it's more ideological than it is practical- notably the chapter on Cinderella and Rapunzel. It was difficult to keep up my concentration.The most useful thing about this book were the examples of the different facets of narcissism and the different types of narcissists in society, showing just how pervasive a disorder it is. The truth is, very few people will pick up a book on narcissist personalities without first having experienced it first hand in a personal relationship. And many people who are in a personal/long-term work relationship with a narcissist have experienced the dynamic first within a family. Anyone just working with or relating to a narcissist on a daily basis without having grown up in a narcissistic family dynamic themselves won't see the urgency of the issue. So really, books like these are geared towards narcissistic abuse sufferers. For a better, more focused read on the subject I would recommend The Narcissistic Family by Stephanie Donaldson.

The reviews I've read so far suggest that this book, 'The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists' has saved many from despair. Not understanding what is going on with the narcissistic manipulators in your life will surely get you down. Down emotionally, financially and probably ethically. To this character, your goodness is a flaw which he/she must crush. Since this character barely has an identity of his own, he/she must destroy yours. Why, you might ask? It's about revenge. You are never you as you thought you were. In the narcissists' eyes, only a two dimensional other exists. Depersonalization is suggestive of the term "Wizard of Oz". This pervasive sense of unreality is like being enthralled by a magician. You can read about this form of undermining in many books both self-help and clinical. This is a terrific selection. In fact, I am reading about the "labyrinth of defenses" right now. I must admit it is true to my personal experience. Once you surrender to the hyper-drama of what I call, the Narcissistic Queen (my take on the drama queen scenario), you will likely begin to unravel. You see, we want to give the poor drama queen all the benefit of the doubt. Thank goodness for books like this one by Payton. She helps you define the problem correctly and it's NOT about you! Get out your notebook as there are too many insights for me to mention here. What Payton demonstrates in detail is how someone can be intelligent and ignorant all at the same time. Read about and follow the yellow brick road out of your illusions. At the end of the road there really is a rainbow. I call this rainbow, 'the company of the sane'.

I have read much about Narcissists and have experienced those with NPD. I will say this book went from being kind of 'huh wha?' about reforming or suggesting we can alter a Narcissist's behavior (to quote a Narcissist I know 'good luck with that'), to being downright dangerous when it laid a guilt trip down that if the victim doesn't stick around and try to change the Narcissist, then the poor Narcissist will never get better.

Narcissists don't get better. Get out, they consume you.

I have two narcissicistic parents and a sister. This book was finally a means for me to understand the confusing behaviors I've put up with for the last 40 plus years. Behavior that often makes no sense, is illogical, demanding and overly dramatic, unless its downright mean. I've spent years assuming that with logical, rational arguments my family would stand up for me for a change, but thanks to this book I'm really understanding that that is a fantasy on my part. I also now understand that unless you are able to crawl into the narcissist's head and see the fantasy world they've created to hide their low self esteem, none of their behaviors will ever make sense (they tell you they are proud of you then cut you down in front of friends, then tell you to get over not getting a birthday party for a milestone birthday then demand you give them a party for theirs, etc). And since you can't crawl into someone's head, you have to learn to grieve what won't be: family members who will always treat you well and support you and not throw you under a bus when something better comes along (in their eyes) or ostracize you for truth telling (another no-no in the narcissists' world). And then move on to find more supportive relationships elsewhere.

I don't understand all this talk about "co-dependency," and that some chink in a person's personality "attracts" a narcissist.
Just because a person happens to be so unfortunate as to fall into a relationship with a narcissist, that somehow makes them a "co-dependent."
Never mind that you don't discover just how screwed up they are, and how they virtually ruin your existence, until they've wormed their way deep into your life.
After all, everyone comments about how attractively a narcissist presents himself, and that they are head and shoulders, usually, above most average people, in looks, pizzaz, and most often, intelligence. Or apparent intelligence, anyway.
What they actually are is a monster in disguise, making a concerted attempt to sway an innocent victim into having a relationship with them.
Whether it's romantic, or in a business setting, or even just an attempt at a friendship with one of these maladjusted misfits, the problem is certainly with them, and not with their "co-dependent" victim.
In fact, with the harm already done to the victim by the narcissist, to imply that the victims themselves are somehow complicit, in some vague, unspoken way, is like adding insult to injury.
What we need is some iron-clad method of identifying the narcissist - such as making them wear clown suits - simply to protect our own sanity.
Who knows how many lives have been ruined by these jerks.
We need some smart people to tell us how to protect ourselves, not blame us as being "co-dependents."

*****

I have searched and found the definition of "co-dependent," and now realize what it actually means: It means, generally, that the person interacting with the narcissist is somehow complemented, in their own lack of self-esteem, by the abuse of the narcissist.
But that doesn't describe the overwhelming preponderance of people who are adversely affected by the narcissist.
Narcissists present themselves as being a highly desirable person to know, and then, once they are ensconced into your existence, proceed to make your life a living hell, just trying to cope with their foolishness.
The general public needs to be made aware of the signs to look out for - even after realizing that they make every attempt to fool you into thinking they are perfectly normal.
But it would seem that enough books are out now, which get into really discussing the many aspects of the psychological nut-jobs that are loose in this world, that maybe, if they are looking, people will get the heads-up they need.

The book is to harsh in the way it labels the victims of a negative situation as "wounded"or inable to have empathy oft other people because of they have a false idea of who they are and we're not taught empathy. That is completely untrue, we inherit empathy from our family teems it is passed to you from the family gene pool (this is a groundbreaking new theory scientists are studying and acknowledging the idea) so none can tell a person who has been verbally abused that they "don't have real empathy for people because of childhood wounds" the book also labels people who as children were verbally abused as indivuals who have a false sense of who they are, that they literally are unable to understand the sleeves and know what kind of person they are. For example, the book suggests that w"wounded children" have a serious sense of self and align their entire being with this false image they created. How crazy is that? I have only known people with personality disorders such as bipolar to not have a strong sense of self , for example they,ya change how they act based on the person they are with, or they might become a different personality style frequently for example. These are some of the behaviors that a BPD person might engage in. Also NapD people are the hallmark of believing that they are perfect amd that everyone else so flawed. Narcissist are so focused on maintaining their "perfect image" that they will go to extreme lengths to keep it intact. Such as making their child keep secrets and tells lies so that the families image is perfect, they be so extreme that they will sabotage the child (spread terrible rumors about them, find therapists who they can. A ululated and get a diagnosis for a problem that isn't there, this book is just to black and white.

It was nice to have my eyes opened to what I was doing to perpetrate this cycle. Now that I see it was a cycle I could break it. Much freer now.

I bought this unresearched for its title alone, while ordering a related book that had been recommended by a friend. So when the package arrived, I opened this one first, just to see what I'd bought. I never set it down again til I'd finished it 3 hours later -- I was riveted. When I'd finished it, I immediately went online and sent a few to friends who've also been wrestling with this issue -- something I've never done with any other purchase.

If your life has contained major narcissists, this book will amaze you -- mostly with its clarity. It's got a brisk, no-nonsense style, very readable. It dissects the narcissistic personality and its effects, tells you how to identify situations where those patterns are in effect, and even offers tips on how to deal with the narcissists you can't avoid -- without getting eaten alive in the process. I can say without exaggeration that it changed my life.

However, if you like to wrap yourself in self-pity, you won't much enjoy reading it -- though it will still be a huge help to you if you want help. If you want to wallow in self-pity and would rather not resolve any of your narcissistic situations, read "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" -- the book that was originally recommended to me.