The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You

Are you an HSP? Are you easily overwhelmed by stimuli? Affected by other people's moods? Easily startled? Do you need to withdraw during busy times to a private, quiet place? Do you get nervous or shaky if someone is observing you or competing with you? HSP, shorthand for "highly sensitive person," describes 15 to 20 percent of the population. Being sensitive is a normal trait--nothing defective about it. But you may not realize that, because society rewards the outgoing personality and treats shyness and sensitivity as something to be overcome. According to author Elaine Aron (herself an HSP), sensitive people have the unusual ability to sense subtleties, spot or avoid errors, concentrate deeply, and delve deeply. This book helps HSPs to understand themselves and their sensitive trait and its impact on personal history, career, relationships, and inner life. The book offers advice for typical problems. For example, you learn strategies for coping with overarousal, overcoming social discomfort, being in love relationships, managing job challenges, and much more. The author covers a lot of material clearly, in an approachable style, using case studies, self-tests, and exercises to bring the information home. The book is essential for you if you are an HSP--you'll learn a lot about yourself. It's also useful for people in a relationship with an HSP. --Joan Price “I wept through almost every page of this book out of sheer self-recognition. To say this book changed my life would be an understatement.xa0I am forever grateful to Elaine Aron.” —Alanis Morissette, singer, songwriter, activist "This remarkable book . . . gives a fresh perspective, a sigh of relief, and a good sense of where we belong in society." —John Gray, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus "Elaine Aron's perceptive analysis of this fundamental dimension of human nature is must reading. Her balanced presentation suggests new paths for making sensitivity a blessing, not a handicap." —Philip G. Zimbardo, Ph.D., author of Shyness: What It Is, What to Do About It "Enlightening and empowering, this book is a wonderful gift to us all." —Riane Eisler, author of The Chalice and the Blade From the Publisher "This remarkable book...gives a fresh perspective, a sigh of relief, and a good sense of where we belong in society." --John Gray, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus "Elaine Aron's perceptive analysis of this fundamental dimension of human nature is must reading. Her balanced presentation suggests new paths for making sensitivity a blessing, not a handicap."--Philip G. Zimbardo, Ph.D., author of Shyness: What It Is, What to Do About It "Enlightening and empowering, this book is a wonderful gift to us all."--Riane Eisler, author of The Chalice and the Blade From the Inside Flap Are you a highly sensitive person?Do you have a keen imagination and vivid dreams? Is time alone each day as essential to you as food and water? Are you "too shy" or "too sensitive" according to others? Do noise and confusion quickly overwhelm you? If your answers are yes, you may be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).Most of us feel overstimulated every once in a while, but for the Highly Sensitive Person, it's a way of life. In this groundbreaking book, Dr. Elaine Aron, a psychotherapist, workshop leader and highly sensitive person herself, shows you how to identify this trait in yourself and make the most of it in everyday situations. Drawing on her many years of research and hundreds of interviews, she shows how you can better understand yourself and your trait to create a fuller, richer life. In The Highly Sensitive Person , you will discover: * Self-assessment tests to help you identify your particular sensitivities * Ways to reframe your past experiences in a positive light and gain greater self-esteem in the process * Insight into how high sensitivity affects both work and personal relationships * Tips on how to deal with overarousal * Informations on medications and when to seek help * Techniques to enrich the soul and spirit Are you a highly sensitive person? Do you have a keen imagination and vivid dreams? Is time alone each day as essential to you as food and water? Are you "too shy" or "too sensitive" according to others? Do noise and confusion quickly overwhelm you? If your answers are yes, you may be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). Most of us feel overstimulated every once in a while, but for the Highly Sensitive Person, it's a way of life. In this groundbreaking book, Dr. Elaine Aron, a psychotherapist, workshop leader and highly sensitive person herself, shows you how to identify this trait in yourself and make the most of it in everyday situations. Drawing on her many years of research and hundreds of interviews, she shows how you can better understand yourself and your trait to create a fuller, richer life. In "The Highly Sensitive Person, you will discover: * Self-assessment tests to help you identify your particular sensitivities* Ways to reframe your past experiences in a positive light and gain greater self-esteem in the process* Insight into how high sensitivity affects both work and personal relationships* Tips on how to deal with overarousal* Informations on medications and when to seek help* Techniques to enrich the soul and spirit Elaine N Aron, Ph.D ., is a psychotherapist, workshop leader, researcher, and highly sensitive person herself. She is the author of The Highly Sensitive Person in Love, The Highly Sensitive Child, and the Highly Sensitive Person's Workbook . She divides her time between San Francisco and New York. Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. "Cry baby!""Scaredy-cat!""Don't be a spoilsport!"Echoes from the past?xa0xa0And how about this well-meaning warning: "You're just too sensitive for your own good."If you were like me, you heard a lot of that, and it made you feel there must be something very different about you.xa0xa0I was convinced that I had a fatal flaw that I had to hide and that doomed me to a second-rate life.xa0xa0I thought there was something wrong with me.In fact, there is something very right with you and me.xa0xa0If you answer true to fourteen or more of the questions on the self-test at the end of this preface, or if the detailed description in chapter 1 seems to fit you (really the best test), then you are a very special type of human being, a highly sensitive person--which hereafter we'll call an HSP.xa0xa0And this book is just for you.Having a sensitive nervous system is normal, a basically neutral trait.xa0xa0You probably inherited it.xa0xa0It occurs in about 15-20 percent of the population.xa0xa0It means you are aware of subtleties in your surroundings, a great advantage in many situations.xa0xa0It also means you are more easily overwhelmed when you have been out in a highly stimulating environment for too long, bombarded by sights and sounds until you are exhausted in a nervous-system sort of way.xa0xa0Thus, being sensitive has both advantages and disadvantages.In our culture, however, possessing this trait is not considered ideal and that fact probably has had a major impact on you.xa0xa0Well-meaning parents and teachers probably tried to help you "overcome" it, as if it were a defect.xa0xa0Other children were not always as nice about it.xa0xa0As an adult, it has probably been harder to find the right career and relationships and generally to feel self-worth and self-confidence. What This Book Offers You This book provides basic, detailed information you need about your trait, data that exist nowhere else.xa0xa0It is the product of five years of research, in-depth interviews, clinical experience, courses and individual consultations with hundreds of HSPs, and careful reading between the lines of what psychology has already learned about the trait but does not realize it knows.xa0xa0In the first three chapters you will learn all the basic facts about your trait and how to handle overstimulation and overarousal of your nervous system.Next, this book considers the impact of your sensitivity on your personal history, career, relationships, and inner life.xa0xa0It focuses on the advantages you may not have thought of, plus it gives advice about typical problems some HSPs face, such as shyness or difficulty finding the right sort of work.It is quite a journey we'll take.xa0xa0Most of the HSPs I've helped with the information that is in this book have told me that it has dramatically changed their lives--and they've told me to tell you that. What You'll Need I have found that HSPs benefit from a fourfold approach, which the chapters in this book will follow.1.xa0xa0Self-knowledge.xa0xa0You have to understand what it means to be an HSP. Thoroughly.xa0xa0And how it fits with your other traits and how your society's negative attitude has affected you.xa0xa0Then you need to know your sensitive body very well.xa0xa0No more ignoring your body because it seems too uncooperative or weak.2.xa0xa0Reframing.xa0xa0You must actively reframe much of your past in the light of knowing you came into the world highly sensitive.xa0xa0So many of your "failures" were inevitable because neither you nor your parents and teachers, friends and colleagues, understood you.xa0xa0Reframing how you experienced your past can lead to solid self-esteem, and self-esteem is especially important for HSPs, for it decreases our overarousal in new (and therefore highly stimulating) situations.Reframing is not automatic, however.xa0xa0That is why I include "activities" at the end of each chapter that often involve it.3.xa0xa0Healing.xa0xa0If you have not yet done so, you must begin to heal the deeper wounds.xa0xa0You were very sensitive as a child; family and school problems, childhood illnesses, and the like all affected you more than others. Furthermore, you were different from other kids and almost surely suffered for that.HSPs especially, sensing the intense feelings that must arise, may hold back from the inner work necessary to heal the wounds from the past.xa0xa0Caution and slowness are justified.xa0xa0But you will cheat yourself if you delay.4.xa0xa0Help With Feeling Okay When Out in the World and Learning When to Be Less Out.xa0xa0You can be, should be, and need to be involved in the world.xa0xa0It truly needs you.xa0xa0But you have to be skilled at avoiding overdoing or underdoing it. This book, free of the confusing messages from a less sensitive culture, is about discovering that way.I will also teach you about your trait's effect on your close relationships. And I'll discuss psychotherapy and HSPs--which HSPs should be in therapy and why, what kind, with whom, and especially how therapy differs for HSPs.xa0xa0Then I'll consider HSPs and medical care, including plenty of information on medications like Prozac, often taken by HSPs.xa0xa0At the end of this book we will savor our rich inner life. The Research Behind This Book As knowledge about my trait changed my life, I decided to read more about it, but there was almost nothing available.xa0xa0I thought the closest topic might be introversion.xa0xa0The psychiatrist Carl Jung wrote very wisely on the subject, calling it a tendency to turn inward.xa0xa0The work of Jung, himself an HSP, has been a major help to me, but the more scientific work on introversion was focused on introverts not being sociable, and it was that idea which made me wonder if introversion and sensitivity were being wrongly equated.With so little information to go on, I decided to put a notice in a newsletter that went to the staff of the university where I was teaching at the time.xa0xa0I asked to interview anyone who felt they were highly sensitive to stimulation, introverted, or quick to react emotionally.xa0xa0Soon I had more volunteers than I needed.Next, the local paper did a story on the research.xa0xa0Even though there was nothing said in the article about how to reach me, over a hundred people phoned and wrote me, thanking me, wanting help, or just wanting to say, "Me, too." Two years later, people were still contacting me.xa0xa0(HSPs sometimes think things over for a while before making their move!)Based on the interviews (forty for two to three hours each), I designed a questionnaire that I have distributed to thousands all over North America.xa0xa0And I directed a random-dialing telephone survey of three hundred people as well. The point that matters for you is that everything in this book is based on solid research, my own or that of others.xa0xa0Or I am speaking from my repeated observations of HSPs, from my courses, conversations, individual consultations, and psychotherapy with them.xa0xa0These opportunities to explore the personal lives of HSPs have numbered in the thousands.xa0xa0Even so, I will say "probably" and "maybe" more than you are used to in books for the general reader, but I think HSPs appreciate that.Deciding to do all of this research, writing, and teaching has made me a kind of pioneer.xa0xa0But that, too, is part of being an HSP.xa0xa0We are often the first ones to see what needs to be done.xa0xa0As our confidence in our virtues grows, perhaps more and more of us will speak up--in our sensitive way. Instructions to the Reader 1.xa0xa0Again, I address the reader as an HSP, but this book is written equally for someone seeking to understand HSPs, whether as a friend, relative, advisor, employer, educator, or health professional.2.xa0xa0This book involves seeing yourself as having a trait common to many.xa0xa0That is, it labels you.xa0xa0The advantages are that you can feel normal and benefit from the experience and research of others.xa0xa0But any label misses your uniqueness.xa0xa0HSPs are each utterly different, even with their common trait. Please remind yourself of that as you proceed.3.xa0xa0While you are reading this book, you will probably see everything in your life in light of being highly sensitive.xa0xa0That is to be expected.xa0xa0In fact, it is exactly the idea.xa0xa0Total immersion helps with learning any new language, including a new way of talking about yourself.xa0xa0If others feel a little concerned, left out, or annoyed, ask for their patience.xa0xa0There will come a day when the concept will settle in and you'll be talking about it less.4.xa0xa0This book includes some activities which I have found useful for HSPs.xa0xa0But I'm not going to say that you must do them if you want to gain anything from this book.xa0xa0Trust your HSP intuition and do what feels right.5.xa0xa0Any of the activities could bring up strong feelings.xa0xa0If that happens, I do urge you to seek professional help.xa0xa0If you are now in therapy, this book should fit well with your work there.xa0xa0The ideas here might even shorten the time you will need therapy as you envision a new ideal self--not the culture's ideal but your own, someone you can be and maybe already are.xa0xa0But remember that this book does not substitute for a good therapist when things get intense or confusing.This is an exciting moment for me as I imagine you turning the page and entering into this new world of mine, of yours, of ours.xa0xa0After thinking for so long that you might be the only one, it is nice to have company, isn't it? Are You Highly Sensitive?xa0xa0A Self-Test Answer each question according to the way you feel.xa0xa0Answer true if it is at least somewhat true for you.xa0xa0Answer false if it is not very true or not at all true for you.I seem to be aware of subtleties in my environment.Other people's moods affect me.I tend to be very sensitive to pain.I find myself needing to withdraw during busy days, into bed or into a darkened room or any place where I can have some privacy and relief from stimulation.I am particularly sensitive to the effects of caffeine.I am easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens close by.I have a rich, complex inner life.I am made uncomfortable by loud noises.I am deeply moved by the arts or music.I am conscientious.I startle easily.I get rattled when I have a lot to do in a short amount of time.When people are uncomfortable in a physical environment I tend to know what needs to be done to make it more comfortable (like changing the lighting or the seating).I am annoyed when people try to get me to do too many things at once.I try hard to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things.I make it a point to avoid violent movies and TV shows.I become unpleasantly aroused when a lot is going on around me.Being very hungry creates a strong reaction in me, disrupting my concentration or mood.Changes in my life shake me up.I notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art.I make it a high priority to arrange my life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations.When I must compete or be observed while performing a task, I become so nervous or shaky that I do much worse than I would otherwise.When I was a child, my parents or teachers seemed to see me as sensitive or shy.SCORING YOURSELFIf you answered true to twelve or more of the questions, you're probably highly sensitive.But frankly, no psychological test is so accurate that you should base your life on it.xa0xa0If only one or two questions are true of you but they are extremely true, you might also be justified in calling yourself highly sensitive.xa0xa0The rest of this book will help you understand yourself better and learn to thrive in today's not-so-sensitive world. 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