Odd Girl Out, Revised and Updated: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls

Praise for ODD GIRL OUT "There has not been so much interest in young females since psychologist Mary Pipher chronicled anorexics and suicide victims in her 1994 bestseller, Reviving Ophelia ."-- The Washington Post "Provocative . . . Cathartic to any teen or parent trying to find company . . . it will sound depressingly familiar to any girl with a pulse."-- Detroit Free Press "Encourages girls to address one another when they feel angry or jealous, rather than engage in the rumor mill."-- Chicago Tribune "Peels away the smiley surfaces of adolescent female society to expose one of girlhood's dark secrets: the vicious psychological warfare waged every day in the halls of our . . . schools."-- San Francisco Chronicle — REVISED AND UPDATEDWITH NEW MATERIAL ON CYBERBULLYING ANDHELPING GIRLS HANDLE THE DANGERS OF LIFE ONLINE"Peels away the smiley surfaces of adolescent female society to expose one of girlhood's dark secrets: the vicious psychological warfare waged every day in the halls of our middle schools and high schools." — San Francisco Chronicle When Odd Girl Out was first published, it became an instant bestseller and ignited a long-overdue conversation about the hidden culture of female bullying. Today the dirty looks, taunting notes, and social exclusion that plague girls’ friendships have gained new momentum in cyberspace.In thisxa0updated edition, educator and bullying expert Rachel Simmons gives girls, parents, and educators proven and innovative strategies for navigating social dynamics in person and online, as well asxa0brand new classroom initiatives and step-by-step parental suggestions for dealing with conventional bullying. Withxa0up-to-the-minute research andxa0real-life stories, Oddxa0Girl Out continues to be the definitive resource on the most pressing social issues facing girls today. "Passionate and beautifully written. A significant contribution to our understanding of the psychology of girls." —Michael Thompson, co-author of Raising Cain "Cathartic to any teen or parent trying to find company." — Detroit Free Press An American School Board Journal Notable Book in EducationRACHEL SIMMONS, best-selling author of Odd Girl Speaks Out and The Curse of the Good Girl , is an educator and cofounder of the Girls Leadership Institute. A Rhodes Scholar, she has appeared on Today , Oprah , and other major shows including her own PBS special, and writes frequently for Teen Vogue .www.rachelsimmons.comReading guide and teacher's guidexa0available at www.hmhbooks.com . RACHEL SIMMONS, bestselling author of Odd Girl Out, Odd Girl Speaks Out, The Curse of the Good Girl , and Enough as She Is, is an educator and cofounder of the Girls Leadership Institute. A Rhodes Scholar, she has appeared on Today , Oprah , and other major shows, including her own PBS special, and writes frequently for Teen Vogue . Simmons is the Girls Research Scholar in Residence at the Hewitt School in New York City, New York. Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. chapter one the hidden culture ofaggression in girls The Linden School campus is nestled behind a web of sports fieldsthat seem to hold at bay the bustling city in which it resides. On Mondaymorning in the Upper School building, students congregated languidly,catching up on the weekend, while others sat knees-to-cheston the floor, flipping through three-ring binders, cramming for tests.The students were dressed in styles that ran the gamut from trendyto what can only be described, at this age, as defiant. Watching them,it is easy to forget this school is one of the best in the region, its studentsanything but superficial. This is what I came to love about Linden:it celebrates academic rigor and the diversity of its students inequal parts. Over the course of a day with eight groups of ninthgraders, I began each meeting with the same question: “What aresome of the differences between the ways guys and girls are mean?”xa0xa0From periods one through eight, I heard the same responses.Girls can turn on you for anything,” said one. “Girls whisper,” saidanother. “They glare at you.” With growing certainty, they fired outanswers:xa0xa0“Girls are secretive.”xa0xa0“They destroy you from the inside.”xa0xa0“Girls are manipulative.”xa0xa0“There’s an aspect of evil in girls that there isn’t in boys.”xa0xa0“Girls target you where they know you’re weakest.”xa0xa0“Girls do a lot behind each other’s backs.”xa0xa0“Girls plan and premeditate.”xa0xa0“With guys you know where you stand.”xa0xa0“I feel a lot safer with guys.”xa0xa0In bold, matter-of-fact voices, girls described themselves to me asdisloyal, untrustworthy, and sneaky. They claimed girls use intimacyto manipulate and overpower others. They said girls are fake, usingeach other to move up the social hierarchy. They described girls asunforgiving and crafty, lying in wait for a moment of revenge thatwill catch the unwitting target off guard and, with an almost savageeye-for-an-eye mentality, “make her feel the way I felt.”xa0xa0The girls’ stories about their conflicts were casual and at timesfilled with self-hatred. In almost every group session I held, someonevolunteered her wish to have been born a boy because boys can“fight and have it be over with.”xa0xa0Girls tell stories of their anger in a culture that does not definetheir behaviors as aggression. As a result, their narratives are filledwith destructive myths about the inherent duplicity of females. Aspoet and essayist Adrienne Rich notes,4 “We have been depicted asgenerally whimsical, deceitful, subtle, vacillating.”xa0xa0Since the dawn of time, women and girls have been portrayedas jealous and underhanded, prone to betrayal, disobedience, and secrecy.Lacking a public identity or language, girls’ nonphysical aggressionis called “catty,” “crafty,” “evil,” and “cunning.” Rarely theobject of research or critical thought, this behavior is seen as a naturalphase in girls’ development. As a result, schools write off girls’conflicts as a rite of passage, as simply “what girls do.”xa0xa0What would it mean to name girls’ aggression? Why have mythsand stereotypes served us so well and so long?xa0xa0Aggression is a powerful barometer of our social values. Accordingto sociologist Anne Campbell, attitudes toward aggression crys-tallize sex roles, or the idea that we expect certain responsibilities tobe assumed by males and females because of their sex.5 Riot grrls andwomen’s soccer notwithstanding, Western society still expects boysto become family providers and protectors, and girls to be nurturersand mothers. Aggression is the hallmark of masculinity; it enablesmen to control their environment and livelihoods. For better or forworse, boys enjoy total access to the rough and tumble. The linkbegins early: the popularity of boys is in large part determined bytheir willingness to play rough. They get peers’ respect for athleticprowess, resisting authority, and acting tough, troublesome, dominating,cool, and confident.xa0xa0On the other side of the aisle, females are expected to mature intocaregivers, a role deeply at odds with aggression. Consider the idealof the “good mother”: She provides unconditional love and care forher family, whose health and daily supervision are her primary objectives.Her daughters are expected to be “sugar and spice and everythingnice.” They are to be sweet, caring, precious, and tender.xa0xa0“Good girls” have friends, and lots of them. As nine-year-oldNoura told psychologists Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan, perfectgirls have “perfect relationships.”6 These girls are caretakers intraining. They “never have any fights . . . and they are always together.. . . Like never arguing, like ‘Oh yeah, I totally agree withyou.’” In depressing relationships, Noura added, “someone is reallyjealous and starts being really mean. . . . [It’s] where two really goodfriends break up.”xa0xa0A “good girl,” journalist Peggy Orenstein observes in Schoolgirls,is “nice before she is anything else—before she is vigorous, bright,even before she is honest.” She described the “perfect girl” asthe girl who has no bad thoughts or feelings, the kind of personeveryone wants to be with. . . . [She is] the girl who speaks quietly,calmly, who is always nice and kind, never mean or bossy. . . . Shereminds young women to silence themselves rather than speaktheir true feelings, which they come to consider “stupid,” “selfish,”“rude,” or just plain irrelevant.7“Good girls,” then, are expected not to experience anger. Aggressionendangers relationships, imperiling a girl’s ability to be caringand “nice.” Aggression undermines who girls have been raised tobecome.xa0xa0Calling the anger of girls by its name would therefore challengethe most basic assumptions we make about “good girls.” It wouldalso reveal what the culture does not entitle them to by definingwhat nice really means: Not aggressive. Not angry. Not in conflict.xa0xa0Research confirms that parents and teachers discourage the emergenceof physical and direct aggression in girls early on while theskirmishing of boys is either encouraged or shrugged off.8 In one example,a 1999 University of Michigan study found that girls weretold to be quiet, speak softly, or use a “nicer” voice about three timesmore often than boys, even though the boys were louder. By thetime they are of school age, peers solidify the fault lines on the playground,creating social groups that value niceness in girls and toughnessin boys.xa0xa0The culture derides aggression in girls as unfeminine, a trend exploredin chapter four. “Bitch,” “lesbian,” “frigid,” and “manly” arejust a few of the names an assertive girl hears. Each epithet points outthe violation of her prescribed role as a caregiver: the bitch likes andis liked by no one; the lesbian loves not a man or children but anotherwoman; the frigid woman is cold, unable to respond sexually;and the manly woman is too hard to love or be loved.xa0xa0Girls, meanwhile, are acutely aware of the culture’s double standard.They are not fooled into believing this is the so-called postfeministage, the girl power victory lap. The rules are different forboys, and girls know it. Flagrant displays of aggression are punishedwith social rejection.xa0xa0At Sackler Day School, I was eating lunch with sixth graders duringrecess, talking about how teachers expected them to behave atschool. Ashley, silver-rimmed glasses snug on her tiny nose, lookedvery serious as she raised her hand.xa0xa0“They expect us to act like girls back in the 1800s!” she said indignantly.Everyone cracked up.xa0xa0“What do you mean?” I asked.xa0xa0“Well, sometimes they’re like, you have to respect each other, andtreat other people how you want to be treated. But that’s not howlife is. Everyone can be mean sometimes and they’re not even realizingit. They expect that you’re going to be so nice to everyone andyou’ll be so cool. Be nice to everyone!” she mimicked, her suddenlyloud voice betraying something more than sarcasm.xa0xa0“But it’s not true,” Nicole said. The room is quiet.xa0xa0“Anyone else?” I asked.xa0xa0“They expect you to be perfect. You’re nice. When boys do badstuff, they all know they’re going to do bad stuff. When girls do it,they yell at them,” Dina said.xa0xa0“Teachers think that girls should be really nice and sharing and notget in any fights. They think it’s worse than it really is,” Shira added.xa0xa0“They expect you to be perfect angels and then sometimes wedon’t want to be considered a perfect angel,” Laura noted.xa0xa0“The teacher says if you do something good, you’ll get somethinggood back, and then she makes you feel like you really should be,”Ashley continued. “I try not to be mean to my sister or my mom anddad, and I wake up the next day and I just do it naturally. I’m not anangel! I try to be focused on it, but then I wake up the next day andI’m cranky.”xa0xa0In Ridgewood, I listened to sixth graders muse about what teachersexpect from girls. Heather raised her hand.xa0xa0“They just don’t . . .” She stopped. No one picked up the slack.xa0xa0“Finish the sentence,” I urged.xa0xa0“They expect you to be nice like them, like they supposedly are,but . . .”xa0xa0“But what?”xa0xa0“We’re not.”xa0xa0“I don’t go around being like goody-goody,” said Tammy.xa0xa0“What does goody-goody mean?” I asked.xa0xa0“You’re supposed to be sitting like this”—Tammy crossed herlegs and folded her hands primly over her knees—”the whole time.”xa0xa0“And be nice—and don’t talk during class,” said Torie.xa0xa0“Do you always feel nice?” I asked.xa0xa0“No!” several of them exclaimed.xa0xa0“So what happens?”xa0xa0“It’s like you just—the bad part controls over your body,”Tammy said. “You want to be nice and you want to be bad at thesame time, and the bad part gets to you. You think”—she contortedher face and gritted her teeth—”I have to be nice.”xa0xa0“You just want to tell them to shut up! You just feel like pushingthem out of the way and throwing them on the ground!” said Brittney.“I wanted to do it like five hundred times last year to this girl. IfI didn’t push her, I just walked off and tried to stay calm.” Read more