Just Show Up: The Dance of Walking through Suffering Together

Kara Tippets battled cancer for two and a half years. During that time, many friends came around the Tippetts family to support and serve them. Kara is now home in Heaven, but before passing from this life to the next, she and her friend, Jill Lynn Buteyn, wrote a book about walking with a friend through suffering. Kara and Jill loved and served each other well, and their friendship is an example to follow. Their book, Just Show Up, will be a helpful resource to others who are going through a season of suffering with a friend.

It can be difficult to know how to be there for a friend who is suffering. In Just Show Up, Kara and Jill share practical ideas of ways to be there for, and serve, a family in need. They allow the reader a peek into the community that surrounded the Tippetts family during the past three years. They are open about the hard parts and the awkward parts. They share about the tension, the struggles, the insecurities, and the highs and lows. They share honestly about the fact that mistakes were made and that grace was needed.

Just Show Up has a conversational tone, making you feel like you are right there chatting with Kara and Jill as they share about facing hard times of suffering together. They speak to the one who is walking through suffering with a friend as well as to the one who is suffering herself. I especially appreciated the personal stories that were shared from the community of support that surrounded the Tippetts family. It was a beautiful thing to see how the body of Christ can come alongside a suffering member and love them well in their hard season.

Just Show Up is for the one with a friend who is suffering and in need of help and support. It is for the one who wants to be there for a friend in need, but doesn’t know what to do. It is for the one who is chronically ill and is needing guidance regarding her role in friendship when her abilities are limited. This would be a great book for two friends, one who is ill and one who is healthy, to read together as they navigate the awkwardness that comes when friendship is lopsided because one friend simply can’t give much. It would also be a great book for a group of friends to read together as they prepare to show up for a friend in need. I highly recommend this book!

I received a review copy of Just Show Up from David C. Cook via NetGalley. All opinions are my own.

I’m going to be honest with you…I usually don’t find reading enjoyable. I normally have one bible study book I’m reading. I enjoy growing spiritually and I enjoy a good bible study with friends, but beyond that books aren’t part of my pastime.

I was offered this book, Just Show Up, at a good time because I have a short break from bible study for the holidays. I really didn’t know anything about the book, but I thought I could handle 190 pages of reading. Little did I know, I found this book difficult to put down!

Just Show Up is a book written by two friends, Kara Tippetts and Jill Lynn Buteyn. Kara and Jill are friends who met at the school of their children. Kara and Jill wrote this book together based on their friendship and the struggles they faced. Early in their friendship, Kara was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Kara is a mother, pastor’s wife, and a friend to many. She is also an extrovert and strong leader. It is through Kara’s struggle with facing death that she teaches many to “just show up”.

Often when people are suffering from illness or tragedy, we aren’t sure what to say or do. In this book, Kara and Jill show how important showing up is for both the person suffering and the person showing up. Sometimes we think ignoring the situation is the better choice, but Kara and Jill make it clear that saying nothing at all is not only hurtful but wounding.

Through Kara’s suffering, we learn how to BEST show up. Often we offer too broad of help to those in need. “The beauty in offering a specific help instead of a broad one is that we get to help within our gifting”. For example, I love to bake, so it would make perfect sense for me to offer to bake goodies to take to a person in need. However, I do not like cats and I’m allergic to them, so it wouldn’t make sense for me to offer to watch someone’s cat. We need to offer help in the area in which we are comfortable.

Kara begins this book in hospice care and therefore, her friends need to show up for her. Through this struggle, Jill learns how to just show up for Kara. Together the two of them teach their readers how to rely on God in the good and the bad and how to JUST SHOW UP!

If you are eager to be present for someone going through a difficult battle or if you want inspiration for making friends in a new way, I highly recommend Just Show Up.

I read Kara Tippetts blog while she was going through her ordeal with breast cancer. I felt like she was a friend and cried many tears when she passed away. She touched my heart so much and I was so happy to see that she finished the book she talked about with her friend, Jill. This book is amazing. It's all about showing up in people's lives. Showing up when they are suffering or going through a situation that is difficult.

Both Kara and Jill write the book from different points of view. Kara from the sufferer and Jill from the friend's view. It's so insightful to see Kara's situation from both sides. I really liked that Kara was so open about what she needed. It helps to know how we can show up in someone's life that is going through a hard situation.

Jill shares writings that she wrote, but never submitted, to Kara's blog. They are raw and heartfelt. It was so hard for Kara's friends to know what to do at times but Kara was the type to share openly about what she needed. That's not always easy for some of us. Jill shares that when her baby was colicky, she ended up hibernating. She is an introvert (I can relate) and she didn't know exactly how to reach out to let others know she was hurting and alone.

That's what is so great about this book. It gives us ideas and tools to know how to show up for people. So many times we think if we say, "Let me know if you need anything." that it's enough but it's not. People don't always want to burden us so they won't ask for help when they need it. We have to show up in their lives - be more specific in offering to do things.

They also share that it's important to show up as time goes on. When people have a long term illness or pain situation, their ordeal doesn't end quickly. However, people can forget about them as time goes on. They are left alone and desolate. This book helps us to show up in people's life when they have long term illnesses, too.

I love this book. I could relate so much to much of this book and I love that I know now how to reach out to my my friends when they need me. I can show up and be there for them and I know how to do it. I think everyone should read this book. I especially think that those in ministry should read it as it would help them to know how to help others who are going through painful situations. I give this book 5 out of 5 stars.

I read Kara's book The Hardest Peace a while back and it completely undid me in every way...convicted, challenged, comforted and offered peace. All the while reading Kara's and her family's journey through her cancer diagnosis and the unbelievable hard that followed, I kept asking myself, "How in the world does one love someone well through such hard things?" Just Show Up answered my question.
"Most often it's those who come without answers or agendas who are the most helpful." Kara Tippetts (pg. 10)
Published and released after Kara's passing, Just Show Up was "written" through some of life's hardest moments and by one of the sweetest beautiful friendships of Kara and Jill in the midst of the hard. Throughout the book, the value of the gift of silence and the beauty of community is expressed by both Kara and Jill. In the book, readers hear from Kara as she and her family worked their way toward the goodbyes that were inevitable and also from Jill as she "showed up". Jill teaches readers by example.
"Showing up is not a new concept, but sometimes it feels that way. Something in our culture has told us to pull back, to protect ourselves from hurt, from people, from entering in with one another. And there's a reason for that. Showing up can get us hurt in the biggest ways. People disappoint and wound us. Or, in the case of walking through suffering with a friend or loved one, it can hurt beyond anything we've ever imagined. Take-me-out-at-the-knees, ugly-cry hurt.
"So, year, showing up isn't easy at times. But maybe that's why there's such value to be found in it. I've learned real beauty lies in the good that comes out of the hard. While walking through suffering with a friend or loved one can hurt in the biggest ways it also brings the greatest blessings. It changes people. Showing up can be the greatest gift ever given or received." Jill (pg. 17-18)
Kara and Jill allow us into their journey and through some of the most intimate moments and thoughts, they teach us how to just show up.

*I received a complimentary copy of the book for the purpose of review. A positive review was not asked for or expected.

I loved this book so much it almost hurts. It felt like I was invited in to this special friendship and given answers to all my questions about what to do when a friend is in crisis. I am BAD at this - absolutely paralyzed in the face of overwhelming need. In "Just Show Up," Kara and Jill took me by the hand and said, essentially, "Everyone feels this way. Here's what to do anyway..." This book is a gracious blend of honest storytelling and practical suggestions. There are pages where I underlined every single word. Thank you Kara and Jill for writing this book. I"m already recommending it to friends.

kara tippets is a gifted writer who left this earth too soon. i have loved everything she has written, especially her blog.

I enjoyed reading Just Show Up, which feels like a strange thing to type considering that the book is full of hard truths and painful situations. The two authors succeeded in writing a narrative on how to be there for someone who is going through a “hard”, as they liked to put it. In this case, the “hard” was Kara fighting a cancer battle that was not to be won here on earth.

Although Just Show Up deals with the sadness of knowing that Kara won’t be long for the world, I actually found the book to be very uplifting. It is full of practical advice for how to actually be there and be a true friend to those around us. There are also plenty of amusing anecdotes to keep the reading flowing along and lighten the heavier moments.

I appreciated the direct way both authors wrote about the importance of being someone who actually shows up and jumps in to help, as opposed to saying, “Let me know if there is any way I can help.” Their advice is so sound.

I think this book is really a must read. We all need to know how to be there to help those we call friends during hard and painful times in their lives. Just Show Up is an excellent guide to encourage us to do just that.

I received a complimentary copy of this book. These opinions are my own.

This book begins with a somber greeting: "Hi. My name is Kara Tippetts, and I may not be alive when you read this book. I hope so, but I don’t know. That decision is in the hands of the Author of my life—His name is Jesus. I trust Him with every ounce of who I am."

With these words, Tippetts begins this book with hope, that even when she does not know what to do, what to say, or what to answer, just showing up is already a blessing in itself. It is also a step of humility to come as we are to say: "I'm here. I may not have the answers, but I'm here." With "Just Show Up" as her principle of perseverance through the ups and downs, and especially the suffering moments of life, cancer patient Tippetts shows us what perseverance means amid the pains and sorrows of life. Tippetts died on March 22, 2015, but not without touching the lives of many. Through this book, her life continues to influence many even after her death. Written with Jill Lynn Buteyn, author of inspirational novel, Falling for Texas, this book is an honest down to earth retelling of the struggles through the tough times of life by simply walking together and being present for each other.

It all began when the Tippetts's family went to Colorado to plant a Church. Buteyn joined that Church and the friendship with Tippetts blossomed. Tippetts was an extrovert while Buteyn an introvert. They knew each other for only six months but their friendship seemed like an eternity. Both are mothers together. They were not afraid of sharing their pains and joys. They cried together, laughed together, and wrote this book together. They shared "big love" together. Instead of promising perfect answers, they supplied honest ones. Instead of simply writing a book to give us a laundry list of do's and don'ts, they issue readers a challenge to "start showing up" for the people we love. The two basic questions are:

Ask WHO is the one suffering and in need of us showing up.
Ask ourselves about any fears of anxieties preventing us from showing up.

Gently, the authors show us how to overcome the fears of showing up. They keep contrasting it with the tendency to do things perfectly. Those who insist on perfection will never take the plunge. Those who are more interested in doing things together, regardless, are those more willing to try. In showing up for one another, readers learn that silence is not something to be uncomfortable about. Just being present includes creative ways like using the concentric circles approach to be together. The ones suffering the most stay in the center of the ring. The ones who feel they are relatively least in pain and suffering at that time move to the fringes, but always staying connected. Friends do one thing best: Being there for one another. Friends learn to be humble to receive and to be generous to give. Friendships may change from struggle to struggle, but we should never gossip or minimize the reality of each struggle. For every situation is unique. Beware of insecurity which can damage relationships. Whether it is going through the ups and downs, dealing with future plans, suffering is made more bearable when people show up for one another. This is the beauty of community.

It takes a dying person to teach many of us how to live. It takes one who has struggled through immense pain to be able to speak with some authority about the importance of showing up. This book is not some kind of a self-help book to boost up our ego in order to overcome our problems and issues of life. Neither is it a manual that contains lots of do's and don'ts that supply steps to overcome our mountains. It is simply a guide to encourage us to be there for one another. Whether friends or family, close or distant, as long as we are people, we all have the capacity to show up. In pastoral care, one of the most important things is to remember the gift of presence. Far too often, especially in an Internet and social media era, we condense our words into abbreviations and send out inspirational quips. The problem lies in that "problem-solving" mentality behind all of these actions.

Tippetts and Buteyn have shown us a different and a more honest way of sharing our lives. It means simply being ready, being comfortable, and being courageous to be who we are and to show up for one another. The words and wisdom in this book is small enough to wipe the smallest tear and big enough to hug the biggest fear.

Rating: 4.5 stars of 5.

conrade
This book is provided to me courtesy of David C. Cook Publishers and NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.

Some of our most important and profound words are said in doorways. Because someone is leaving, words spoken at the door are often more consequential, more weighty. Time is short and must not be frittered away. An entire evening may pass filled with light conversation and meandering stories until it’s time to say goodbye, and suddenly the flow of words gushes into the streambed of relevance.

In Just Show Up, Kara Tippetts and Jill Lynn Buteyn are standing in the door together, and this record of their words is raw and real. Kara, author of The Hardest Peace, writes from the perspective of a cancer patient in her final days. (Kara passed away in March 2015 shortly after the book’s completion.) Jill speaks as a close friend who has offered her hands and her heart in service to Kara and her family. What emerges from their shared writing is a chronicle of the painful, long good-by called cancer, many reassuring and sometimes humorous stories about the agony and the awkwardness of a friendship in which cancer is the unwanted third wheel, the helplessness of watching a dear friend suffer, and the need for both parties to put all pretense aside and fall into the rhythm of God’s choreography.

This pouring out of words about friendship and suffering would be enough if that was all that lived between the covers of Just Show Up — but it’s not, for in the way of showing up, Jill and Kara learned valuable and practical lessons about loving and saying goodbye:
•The uncomfortable dance of giving and receiving help can be relieved somewhat by clear communication. Being specific is key. For example, rather than vague “call-me-if-you-need-anything” statements, offer to grocery shop, to provide transportation to appointments, to assist children with school projects.
•When you provide a meal, use disposable dishes. Suggest that the family place a cooler on the front steps so that meals can be dropped off unobtrusively without impacting family time. Ask for guidelines on family food preferences and allergies.
•Don’t visit when you are sick!
•Put your giftedness at the family’s disposal. If you are a skilled photographer, offer to take pictures of the family. Put your organizational skills to work managing their mail or other details.
•Don’t become overwhelmed or neglect your own family responsibilities. If you add a caring role to your life, subtract something else to make room for it.
•Mourn the loss of your relationship as it used to be, but then find a new normal.

Jill and Kara drew from the wisdom offered in an LA Times article called “How Not to Say the Wrong Thing,” which described a series of concentric circles with the name of the person who is suffering in the center. From there, place the names of family and friends with this in mind: the closer one is to the person who is suffering, the closer their name goes to the center ring. Using that as a guide, the key is this: “Comfort in. Dump out.” For example, Jill did not complain to Kara’s family at all (about anything), but Kara’s husband was free to be honest with Jill about his struggles and observations regarding Kara’s decline. As a general rule, if in doubt, err on the side of comforting instead of dumping.

In a way, what we have here is a devastatingly practical book on the theology of suffering and the sovereignty of God. With tears, protesting the suffering, and mourning the brevity of Kara’s life, both Kara and Jill assert the truth that “suffering is not the absence of God’s goodness.” Kara’s suffering and the process of dying were the cause for mourning, but also the occasion for finding “the smallest good and expand[ing] on it.” Kara made the choice to be transparent about her suffering and to live her final days in a community that wrapped her in love and that continues to support and to love her family. Just Show Up is the story of suffering being redeemed, “of God showing up in the midst of community here on earth.”

This book was provided by David C. Cook in exchange for my review. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Just. Show. Up. Showing up means your life is going to get messy and most of us don’t like messy, we like order, cleanliness, emotions that can be easily hidden – showing up is going to mean not having order, getting messy with someone’s life and raw emotions that can’t be hidden. Kara passed away in March, just a few months after I lost my husband, suddenly, unexpectedly in December of 2014 – I became a widow and her husband, a widower. The emotions in this book – both from the viewpoint of Jill, one of Kara’s friends and Kara herself are raw, real and honest. Maybe it wasn’t the best book for me to read right now – but I did – and it left me thinking of how I too can show up for someone. For the first month the children and I had people coming by, we had meals, financial donations and then it went away – our hard is still hard and it’s something that won’t go away.

So much has resonated with me in this book – even now we get asked “let me know if you need anything”, this is one of the worst thing to say to someone – whether it’s an illness, a death, or an injury – I can honestly say when I was told this I’d stare blankly back. I could barely think about what needed done for my children let alone what a friend could do – as Jill says this is easily dismissed by the person going through their hard because it’s too broad. Then there was this one (location 1190 Chapter 6 in my Kindle version) “Some people who have lost loved ones quickly – without a word, kiss, hug, or shared last moment would give anything for these days we’re having with Kara even though they are hard.” I think Jill crawled inside my head – I admit to thinking that when I heard of Kara’s passing – thinking well at least her friends, her children, her husband got to hold her, kiss her as she was ushered before the Lord.

Whether you’re going through hard or just want to know how to show up for someone close to you or not close to you (Jill met Kara shortly before the cancer so it was a very new friendship) this book will give you and honest look at what it means to show up. If it’s not your gift to bring dinners, don’t – find your gift, is it to just sit quietly, just sit and listen, help car pool children to and from activities? Your showing up isn’t going to be the same as mine or anyone else, that is why the Lord gave us all different gifts. It’s raw – there were several times I had to stop reading because of the emotions that came up – and even some bitterness which made me look at myself because my friends couldn’t come around for months and months – so it had me taking a long hard look at me. The reflection questions at the end of each chapter can help evaluate how to show up and what that will look like for us and it’s based on Scripture, which makes it even better. I cannot recommend this book enough and it’s a quick read but so worth reading through a couple of times.

**I was provided a copy of this book from Litfuse in exchange for my honest opinion no other compensation was given.