Hunted (Iron Druid Chronicles)

Praise for The Iron Druid Chronicles “[Kevin] Hearne is a terrific storyteller with a great snarky wit.xa0. . . Neil Gaiman’s American Gods meets Jim Butcher’s Harry Dresden.” — SFFWorld “[The Iron Druid books] are clever, fast-paced and a good escape.” — Boing Boing “Hearne understands the two main necessities of good fantasy stories: for all the wisecracks and action, he never loses sight of delivering a sense of wonder to his readers, and he understands that magic use always comes with a price. Highly recommended.” — The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction “Superb . . . plenty of quips and zap-pow-bang fighting.” — Publishers Weekly (starred review) “Celtic mythology and an ancient Druid with modern attitude mix it up in the Arizona desert in this witty new fantasy series.” —Kelly Meding, author of Chimera “[Atticus is] a strong modern hero with a long history and the wit to survive in the twenty-first century. . . .xa0Axa0snappy narrative voice . . . a savvy urban fantasy adventure.” — Library Journal “A page-turning and often laugh-out-loud funny caper through a mix of the modern and the mythic.” —Ari Marmell, author of The Warlord’s Legacy “Outrageously fun.” — The Plain Dealer “Kevin Hearne breathes new life into old myths, creating a world both eerily familiar and startlingly original.” —Nicole Peeler,xa0author of Tempest Rising Kevin Hearne hugs trees, pets doggies, and rocks out to heavy metal. He also thinks tacos are a pretty nifty idea. He is the author of A Plague of Giants and the New York Times bestselling series The Iron Druid Chronicles. Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. Chapter 1 It’s odd how when you feel safe you can’t think of that thing it was you kept meaning to do, but when you’re running for your life you suddenly remember the entire list of things you never got around to doing.I always wanted to get blindly drunk with a mustachioed man, take him back to his place, do a few extra shots just this side of severe liver damage, and then shave off half his mustache when he passed out. I would then install surveillance equipment before I left so that I could properly appreciate his reaction (and his hangover) when he woke up. And of course I would surveil him from a black windowless van parked somewhere along his street. There would be a wisecracking computer science graduate from MIT in the van with me who almost but not quite went all the way once with a mousy physics major who dumped him because he didn’t accelerate her particles.I can’t remember when I thought that one up and added it to my list. It was probably after I saw True Lies. It was never particularly high up on my list, for obvious reasons, but the memory came back to me, fully fantasized in Technicolor, once I was running for my life in Romania. Our minds are mysteries.Somewhere behind me, the Morrigan was fighting off two goddesses of the hunt. Artemis and Diana had decided that I needed killing, and the Morrigan had pledged to protect me from such violent death. Oberon ran on my left and Granuaile on my right; all around me, the forest quaked silently with the pandemonium of Faunus, disrupting Druidic tethers to Tír na nÓg. I could not shift away to safety. All I could do was run and curse the ancient Greco–xadRomans.Unlike the Irish and the Norse—and many other cultures—the Greco–xadRomans did not imagine their gods as eternally youthful but vulnerable to violent death. Oh, they had nectar and ambrosia to keep their skin wrinkle-free and their bodies in prime shape, changing their blood to ichor, and that was similar to the magical food and drink available to other pantheons, but that wasn’t the end of it. They could regenerate completely, which essentially gifted them with true immortality, so that even if you shredded them like machaca and ate them with guacamole and warm tortillas, they’d just re-spawn in a brand-new body on Olympus and keep coming after you—hence the reason why Prometheus never died, in spite of having his liver eaten every day by a vulture who oddly never sought variety in his diet.That didn’t mean a fella couldn’t beat them. Aside from the fact that they can be slain by other immortals, the Olympians have to exist in time like everyone else. I’d tossed Bacchus onto an island of slow time in Tír na nÓg, and the Olympians took it personally—so personally that they’d rather kill me than get Bacchus back.I didn’t think for a moment I could do the same to the huntresses. They were far more adept in combat, for one thing, and they’d be watching each other’s back while doing their best to shoot me in mine.“Where are we going?” Granuaile asked.“Roughly north for now. Situation’s fluid.” Oberon said. The Morrigan had taken both arrows in her shield and told us to run.“I almost did too, Oberon,” Granuaile said. She could hear his voice now that she was a full Druid. “I should have been ducking or tackling Atticus or almost anything else, but instead I was just trying my damnedest not to pee.”“We’ll have to take a potty break later,” I said. “Distance is key right now.” “And I’m guessing stealth isn’t? This is going to be an easy trail to follow the way we’re moving through the forest.” “We’ll get crafty when we have the space to do so.” The Morrigan’s raspy voice entered my head. It wasn’t my favorite habit of hers, but it was convenient at the moment. Her tone was exultant. Here is a battle worthy of remembrance! How I wish there were witnesses and a bard like Amergin to put it down in song! Morrigan— Listen, Siodhachan. I can keep them from pursuing you for some while. But they will hunt again soon enough. They will? What about you? I am better than they. But not immortal. My end is near; I have seen it. But what an end it will be! I slowed down and looked back. Granuaile and Oberon paused too. You’re going to die? Don’t stop running, you fool! Run and listen and do not sleep. You know how to stave off the need to sleep, don’t you? Yes. Prevent the buildup of adenosine in the brain and— Enough with the modern words. You know. Now you must either find one of the Old Ways to Tír na nÓg—one that isn’t guarded—or make your way to the forest of Herne the Hunter. The forest of Herne? You mean Windsor Forest? That’s a hell of a run across Europe. You can always die instead, the Morrigan pointed out. No thanks. But Windsor is not much of a wilderness anymore. It’s more like a groomed park. People drink tea there. They might even play croquet. That’s not a forest. It will suffice. Herne is there. He will defend it. And he will bring friends. And, Siodhachan, remember that Gaia loves us more than she loves the Olympians. They have given her nothing in all their long lives. Even now they traumatize her with pandemonium. I am unbinding their chariots; they will be afoot for some while until their smith gods can make them anew. Take advantage and give yourself as much of a lead as possible. Something didn’t compute. Morrigan, if you saw this coming, why didn’t you warn me? You were with your woman. My woman? If I tried to call Granuaile that, I would promptly lose some teeth. She’s not mine. You can’t possess anyone. I have learned that lesson very well. Fine, then what does that have to do with this ridiculous fight with the Olympians? We could have avoided it all. No. It was always going to come. Delaying would do no good. Are you kidding? That’s what living is. Delaying death. Let’s get you some Prozac. Hush. I have for you what modern people call a lovely parting gift. I shuddered to think what the Morrigan considered lovely, so I simply said, A parting gift? In Tír na nÓg there is a Time Island with the following address. A vision appeared in my head of a short stone obelisk etched with Ogham script. Do you see it? Yes, but— Record it well in your memory. Circle the island. On the side facing upstream, look closely at the tree line and you will see someone there you might wish to retrieve. If you do, ask Goibhniu for help. Morrigan. Why? Because I am trapped and this is the only way out. And because you have chosen, and you have chosen well. I cannot fault her. I lost a step or two as the import of her words sank in. Granuaile shot a worried glance at me and I shook my head once, reassuring her that nothing was wrong. But . . . Morrigan, you never said anything. Would it have mattered? Would you have ever chosen me? I don’t know. But I didn’t get a chance. Every day was a chance, Siodhachan. Two thousand years of days. If you were interested, you had ample opportunity to express it. I understand. I frighten you. I frighten everyone, and that is a fact I cannot escape, however I may wish otherwise. Well . . . yeah. You’re fighting off two Olympians right now and having this conversation. That’s frightening. They came prepared. Their fabrics are synthetic. I cannot bind them. And they are very skilled, trying to wound my right side and affect my magic. Morrigan, just get out of there. You saved me and we have a lead now. No. This is the choice I have made. It is only recently I have tried to change in earnest—I mean since you slew Aenghus Óg—and discovered that somehow change has become impossible for me. I cannot make friends. I cannot be gentle except under the most extraordinary circumstances. My nature will not allow it. All I can do is terrify, seduce, and choose the slain. Is that not strange? Long ago I was merely a Druid like you and could do whatever I wished. But once I became a goddess, certain expectations came with the power. Call them chains, rather. I didn’t notice them until I tried to break free. My nature now is no longer my own to do with as I please. I can be only what my people want me to be. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I tell you so that you may grow wiser. It is a hidden law of godhood, and woe unto she who finds it. I have been trying to deny its reality, but it has asserted itself too often to be anything but the truth. Yet I have some comfort now. You do? Here is my victory, Siodhachan: I am permitted to do battle, and I do not need a reason. Still, I usually have one, and that reason can be whatever I wish. So today I do not fight for glory or honor or bloodlust or vengeance. I fight for . . . something else. I understand. But say it anyway. For the win. Love. Read more