Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives

BEWARE this book contains bizarre theories and cites NO science for them. There are some interesting ideas in here about codependence, but I have to say I'm really skeptical of a book without data cited to support it's conclusions. Is it responsible to write a whole book about a subject without a shred of scientific study to support the ideas presented? No, and it is not only irresponsible, but potentially dangerous. Some of the book is, in my opinion, potentially extremely damaging to survivors of true abuse. The author seems to have a great deal of trouble explaining why childhood abuse survivors feel so much shame and she creates a bizarre reasoning for this. She writes, "whenever a major caregiver is abusing a child while denying or being irresponsible with his or her feeling reality, the feeling reality is very likely to be induced in the child who becomes overwhelmed by the caregiver's feeling reality." (p.103) Can you understand that? Neither could I. But if you read further the author explains further by writing, "A shameless person is one how is denying his or her own shame, which passes directly to the child. The child's own shame giver him or her a sense of fallibility, but adding the parent's shame to the child's shame gives the child an overwhelming sense of worthlessness, "badness," and inadequacy." (p.104) There is no science cited to support this idea of "shame transfer." The only thing cited to support this theory is the author's own experience standing within 18 inches of people and feeling their energy. (p. 101) This whole bizarre and unsupported theory makes me wonder if this author ever witnessed abuse or worked with real abusers. Abusers of children (and adults) are famous for purposely inducing feelings of shame in their victims because the abuser knows that a victim who feels culpable or ashamed of abuse is not likely to put the abuser in jail - where they belong! Abusers actually tell their victims, "you deserved this because you did something wrong" or "you know you wanted this to happen" or just outright threaten the victim by saying, "if you tell anyone YOU will get in trouble because no one will believe your word against mine." I suggest this author do some research on serial abusers and pedophiles before she starts telling victims why they feel shame. There is no need to come up with a theory of a mystical transfer of shame energy from an abuser denying shame to a victim ready to absorb it. Most of the time the explanation is much simpler; the victim feels shame because the abuser WANTS them to and deliberately induces it in them.

The forward to this book says, "the therapeutic concepts, methods and eclectic approach are in the language that has come from the cauldron of Pia Mellody's experience of fighting the disease and not from a theoretical base. In fact, this is not an attempt to devise or defend a theoretical construct at all." So, if you are looking for a book based on one persons "feelings" after working with groups and you want a book in which there are only two footnotes, both of which serve only to direct the reader to more of the author's own merchandise, then this is the book for you.

As a final word, or rather question, I'd just like to know what the author's credentials and qualifications are? She calls herself an "expert" on various websites promoting her own products, but doesn't cite her education or licensing. I'm not saying she doesn't have education or licensing, but I'd just like to know more about that before trusting her with anyone's mental health and I have to say I find is suspicious that she doesn't list her education or licensing prominently, as you would think these are the basic credentials anyone who require in a mental health provider.

[[ASIN:0062505890 Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives]]

This is a book intended for people who want to change their behavior in some significant way and are serious about learning to help themselves do so. Changing one's behavior is admirable and can be exceedingly difficult.

The biggest problem with this book is the use of the word, "abuse". Ms. Mellody defines abuse as almost anything which in her views leads a person into a codependent relationship.

The problem with this word, particularly as it is used today, is that "abuse" has a literal legal definition as well as a societal notion of relatively harsh meaning. For this reason alone, I believe many readers will either stop reading this book or read it and become defensive either about the actions of their parents or themselves and fail to see the actual contributions of those actions to behavior that later became codependent.

Consequently, for this book to work for you, you must make that mental leap and accept Ms. Mellody's definition without involking defensiveness, which is not simple.

This book is about parenting most of all; helping you understand what should have been done to you or what you should have done with your own children so that you can begin to understand why you or your children interact with others the way they do. From understanding / knowledge you are presented the opportunity to begin to change.

Behavioral change starts one step at a time and involves mistakes - nothing ventured, nothing gained. Ms. Mellody describes her journey of frustration (with professionals), self-discovery (through interviews and groups) and eventual change. None of this is easy just as this book is not a roadmap, but an illustration to illuminate a possible journey for you, to help ease your path which will be difficult enough without reinventing the wheel.

I picked up this book because I was suspicious that I was stuck in a codependent relationship, as this definition and current idea gets perpetuated into 12 step programs. I realized I wasn't a codependent, nor my partner as we waded through ideas or lack of understanding for ourselves and each other. Love still existed between us. I thought, I have no shame for myself except feeling the sense of worthlessness only by how my partner treated me in his confusions and fears. I saw the cycles of up and down we went through. Was this co-dependency? No, this is normal relationships find balance between two people, but the love kept us going.

The book has helped me realize and understand how codependency works, by the psychology definition. I thought I was operating with a normal healthy partner with his own sense of values who simply had it in for me, no matter what I did or said to prove otherwise, and that he was simply determined to keep me in a relationship with him while showing his fear of "commitment", but not wanting me to leave him. What was I seeing? I saw a lover who wanted to find balance, the love that didn't want to leave me, nor I.

So what's really going on? The age of delusion/illusion. Psychology lumping all the confused people (because we are being told so many ills of our "unhappiness") into one box to make us all think we are living dysfunctionally in relationships of love/attachments. People have lived this way for a long time. We managed to find ways to make things work when we engage our thinking. The problems come in when people buy into this psychology, such as co-dependence, and think it applies to all of us all the time. I was recently accused of being a co-dependent because I love the man I married. This is how the psychology of lumping us all is doing to people's minds. I'll venture to say that only a few can be called co-dependent, and they aren't about to pick up a book.

Pia gets very specific about explaining things here, as the method in which I can understand them. I'm all about the subtleties of life, thoughts, and possibilities, seeing things most people glaze over. Sadly, this is a way to put us into a box of "I can relate to that". At the urgings of an acquaintance, I looked at three different 2-step analysis' of dysfunctions. Wow, so many people could fit into 50%80% of all of them! Amazing how that works. Thanks to the new psychology!!!

I'm sure the author meant well, but that doesn't excuse ignorance. I'm sorry I bought the book and the ideas behind it. I'm glad my husband, although willing to read this book, lost interest in this concept quickly.

This is the first book on codependence that really relates to me. It's like reading my life story and it helps to understand why I am like I am. If your childhood was more about taking care of your parents than them taking care of you, this is a must read.

Prior to embarking on work with codepedency, Mellody was an RN, but amazingly her contributions in the field of psychology have been substantial according to luminary recovery therapist John Bradshaw. Today Mellody is the Senior Clinical Advisor at The Meadows, a renowned treatment center for trauma and addictions.

Before Mellody's work, the original work in the field of codependency was focused on family systems, alcoholism, as well as adult children of alchoholics, and people who love too much. However, the work in codependency, in good part due to Mellody, has taken on expanded meaning . It is currently viewed that people can be codependent within any relationship process, and can also have codependent (or unhealthy) relationships even to situations or things. These typically stem from abusive and traumatic childhoods, parents that did not provide sufficent nurturance, or who did not instill strong childhood values, or create clear boundaries for their children.

Mellody puts forth, essentially, that codependent adults must learn to become their own parents and "learn to do the things our dysfunctional parents did not teach us to do: appropriately esteem ourselves, set functional boundaries, be aware of and acknowledge our reality, take care of our adult needs and wants, and experience our reality moderately."

The above represent the five core symptoms of codependency. Learning about and gaining an handle on the five core symptoms is definitely well worth the effort for obtaining this book. In my view, this book is a tour de force and should be on any recovery, or personal development workshelf.

The book needs to be taken with caution not all people and / or situations are the same !

It's so "the author" all I could think was "This woman needs therapy!" I felt it was more of a personal journal than instructional and had a hard time relating it to my life and situation.

Items came as advertised and I am very satisfied with them. The rest of this is added to satisfy Amazon's inane length requirement, which I am too busy to fulfill.

I was recommended this as good piece of material to read. I read it in sections. Lots of info for me to read all at once.

Much of the work I do is based off of Pia’s work. My colleague was trained by Pia. Her understanding and experience in Codependency has allowed her to develop Post Induction Therapy practices that have proven vital to healing. This book is a game changer for anyone who reads it. I highly recommend it.