Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong
Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong book cover

Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong

Mass Market Paperback – June 14, 1993

by
Price
$8.99
Publisher
Dell
Publication Date
ISBN-13
978-0440215752
Dimensions
4.12 x 1.12 x 6.9 inches
Weight
8 ounces

Description

From the Publisher Finally -- the book you've been waiting for to help you find and keep the right partner and make love last. Best-selling author and renowned relationship expert Barbara De Angelis reveals everything you need to know about compatibility and shows you how to create the fulfilling relationship you deserve whether you are- Married, and wondering if you could be happier. Single, and wondering how to avoid another wrong partner. In love, and wondering whether your partner is the right one for you. with powerful advice and groundbreaking techniques that have helped thousands of people transform their lives, Dr. De Angelis will show you the formula for creating love that lasts, and help you to understand yourself and the one you love as you never have before. Discover: How to avoid making the biggest mistakes in love. The six essential qualities to look for in a mate. How to spot fatal flaws in a partner. How to create the sexual chemistry you want. The compatibility formula to make your relationship work. From the Inside Flap Finally--the book you've been waiting for to help you find and keep the right partner and make love last. Best-selling author and renowned relationship expert Barbara De Angelis reveals everything you need to know about compatibility and shows you how to create the fulfilling relationship you deserve whether you are-Married, and wondering if you could be happier.Single, and wondering how to avoid another wrong partner.In love, and wondering whether your partner is the right one for you.with powerful advice and groundbreaking techniques that have helped thousands of people transform their lives, Dr. De Angelis will show you the formula for creating love that lasts, and help you to understand yourself and the one you love as you never have before. Discover:How to avoid making the biggest mistakes in love.The six essential qualities to look for in a mate.How to spot fatal flaws in a partner.How to create the sexual chemistry you want.The compatibility formula to make your relationship work. Finally--the book you've been waiting for to help you find and keep the right partner and make love last. Best-selling author and renowned relationship expert Barbara De Angelis reveals everything you need to know about compatibility and shows you how to create the fulfilling relationship you deserve whether you are- Married, and wondering if you could be happier. Single, and wondering how to avoid another wrong partner. In love, and wondering whether your partner is the right one for you. with powerful advice and groundbreaking techniques that have helped thousands of people transform their lives, Dr. De Angelis will show you the formula for creating love that lasts, and help you to understand yourself and the one you love as you never have before. Discover: How to avoid making the biggest mistakes in love. The six essential qualities to look for in a mate. How to spot fatal flaws in a partner. How to create the sexual chemistry you want. The compatibility formula to make your relationship work. Barbara De Angelis, PhD, internationally recognized as one of the foremost experts on human relations and personal growth, is the author of the #1 New York Times blockbusters Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know and Are You the One for Me? Her other bestsellers include Secrets About Life Every Woman Should Know,xa0The Real Rules,xa0Ask Barbara,xa0Real Moments®,xa0Real Moments® for Lovers , and How to Make Love All the Time . She's also a co-author of Chicken Soup for the Couple's Soul . Through her books and award-winning television program and seminars, she has guided millions of people worldwide toward greater personal fulfillment in their relationships and in life. Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. 1 xa0 LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH xa0 Falling in love is a magical and powerful experience. Each kiss, each conversation, each moment in the beginning seems so right, so perfect. But soon attraction and infatuation become a “relationship,” and we are brought down to earth with the challenging realities of sharing our life with another human being. And as those first enchanted weeks turn into months, one day we find ourselves asking: “Is this person right for me?” xa0 If you’ve ever been in a serious relationship, you’ve asked yourself this question—before you made a commitment, before you got married, or, if the relationship didn’t work, before you decided to leave for good. xa0 I used to hear this question every day when I had a radio talk show in Los Angeles. I received more phone calls about this problem than any other. xa0 xa0“I love my boyfriend, but I’m afraid to make a commitment and marry him. What if I meet someone I love more in a few years? How can I tell if we’re compatible enough?” xa0 xa0“I’ve been dating a woman for two years, but she has children I don’t get along with. Do you think this relationship can work?” xa0 xa0“My husband and I argue all the time. He refuses to go to counseling, and we hardly ever have sex anymore. I love him and don’t want to hurt the children, but I’m totally miserable. How can I be sure it’s really over before I leave?” xa0 xa0“I’ve just come out of a very painful relationship. I want to find a partner to share my life with, but I’m afraid of getting hurt again. How can I tell the next time if I’m with someone who is wrong for me before my heart gets broken?” xa0 I understand the pain and turmoil these people are going through, because I’ve been through it, too. Since my first serious relationship at seventeen, and, until recently, I fell in love without giving serious consideration to whether the person was right for me, let alone whether they loved me enough. Someone showed up, and if he had something lovable about him, I would start a relationship. I’d convince myself he was “the one,” only to find out that we were incompatible and watch the relationship fail. Then I would feel sorry for myself and wonder what I was doing wrong. xa0 After too many heartbreaks, I was forced to face the sad truth: In spite of my experience, education, and my intense desire to be happy, I continually chose partners who were not right for me. I was falling in love with the wrong people for the wrong reasons. xa0 I’m happy to say, I’ve spent the past five years of my life learning how to help myself and others make better love choices, and the results have been truly amazing. When it was time to choose a topic for my third book, I knew right away what it would be. My first two books were about how to love; this book is about whom to love. It’s about knowing when someone is right for you, and avoiding those who are wrong. I hope that what you learn in this book will give you the understanding and support you need to create the passionate and fulfilling relationship you deserve. xa0 HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND? xa0 We all want to be happy in our love life, and we want our relationships to work. So, obviously, none of us deliberately sets out to choose partners who are wrong for us. We truly believe we are making the right decision when we select a mate. But the sad reality is that, more often than not, those choices turn out to be painful mistakes. xa0 xa0 Many of us are choosing the wrong partners and wondering why our relationships are not working. xa0 xa0 Have you ever thought or said the following about one of your relationships? xa0 xa0“How could I have been so blind? Why didn’t I see what he/she was really like?” xa0 xa0“I felt so sure that, this time, it would work. Where did I go wrong?” xa0 xa0“He seemed so wonderful when we first met. I can’t figure out why he changed into someone I can’t stand.” xa0 xa0“All the signs were there from the beginning that she didn’t feel the way I did. I guess I just ignored them and convinced myself things would get better.” xa0 xa0“We loved each other, but we couldn’t agree on anything, and all we did was argue.” xa0 xa0“I was so sure he was different from the other men I’d been with. It took me almost two years to find out that I’d picked the same type of guy all over again! How could I have wasted so much time?” xa0 xa0“I remember feeling really in love with her at the time, but the truth is, I never told anyone we were together because I was embarrassed to admit I was even involved with a woman like that.” xa0 xa0“Everything about him seemed so perfect; I kept telling myself that I should be happy with him, but there just wasn’t any chemistry between us.” xa0 There is an old saying, “Hindsight has 20/20 vision.” It’s always so much easier to look back and see things clearly that we could not see at all then. It’s much easier to be wiser about the mistakes we made yesterday than the ones we are in the process of making today. Yet, I’ve always lived by the philosophy that there are no “mistakes”—only opportunities for growth and learning. And learning from the past gives meaning, and even purpose, to some of the pain and heartache collected along the way. xa0 This book contains everything I have learned about choosing the right partner, from my own experiences and those of the men and women I have counseled and worked with. It’s about understanding why you make the love choices you do, and learning how to make more fulfilling ones. It answers the questions, “How could I have been so blind?” and “How can I tell if I’m with the right person?” and hopefully will give you the vision you need to see the truth about your own love life. xa0 IF YOU ARE SINGLE, I hope this book will give you tools and guidelines for making healthy, successful choices in your partner for your next relationship. xa0 IF YOU ARE RECOVERING FROM A BROKEN HEART, I hope this book will help you understand why your relationship choices were not good ones for you, and will give you information that will help you make much wiser and less painful choices next time. xa0 IF YOU ARE UNMARRIED BUT IN A RELATIONSHIP, I hope this book will support you in getting clear about whether your relationship is right for you, so you don’t have to waste time and energy on a relationship that won’t work. xa0 IF YOU ARE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIAGE, I hope this book will show you that many of the conflicts you and your partner experience may stem not from lack of love, but lack of compatibility, and that understanding your differences can help you live more peacefully and passionately together. xa0 WHY SOME RELATIONSHIPS DON’T WORK xa0 Relationships don’t work for one of two reasons: xa0 You are with the right person but you are loving wrong. xa0You and your partner have poor communication habits. xa0You don’t know how to create real intimacy. xa0You don’t ask for what you want, and end up feeling resentful. xa0You neglect the relationship. xa0 or xa0 You are with the wrong person. xa0Your love or life-style is incompatible with your partner’s. xa0You do not share enough common values and commitments. xa0Your partner has “fatal flaws” that make having a successful relationship impossible. xa0You can’t give each other enough of what you need. xa0 Several years ago I wrote my first book, How to Make Love All the Time, as a manual to help people learn how to love one another in a way that creates healthy, passionate, fulfilling relationships. The book was really about how to stop loving the wrong way and start loving the right way, reason number one above. But that information, as valuable as it has been to millions of my readers around the world, is incomplete without the material I’ve included in this book, because if you are loving the wrong person, loving the right way won’t make a difference. Read more

Features & Highlights

  • Finally--the book you've been waiting for to help you find and keep the right partner and make love last. Best-selling author and renowned relationship expert Barbara De Angelis reveals everything you need to know about compatibility and shows you how to create the fulfilling relationship you deserve whether you are-Married, and wondering if you could be happier.Single, and wondering how to avoid another wrong partner.In love, and wondering whether your partner is the right one for you.with powerful advice and groundbreaking techniques that have helped thousands of people transform their lives, Dr. De Angelis will show you the formula for creating love that lasts, and help you to understand yourself and the one you love as you never have before. Discover:How to avoid making the biggest mistakes in love.The six essential qualities to look for in a mate.How to spot fatal flaws in a partner.How to create the sexual chemistry you want.The compatibility formula to make your relationship work.

Customer Reviews

Rating Breakdown

★★★★★
60%
(359)
★★★★
25%
(150)
★★★
15%
(90)
★★
7%
(42)
★
-7%
(-43)

Most Helpful Reviews

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This is the cure to the "Poor Me" Syndrome!!!

Wow! Finally!!! This book makes common sense look easy, but apparently it is not! I am a 25 year young single woman. Four out of five of my closest friends got married. Four out of those four ended or are ending in divorce. Not a good track record. I always end up helping to pick up the pieces. Now, I have help and wisdom beyond my words!
Barbara is not as brutal and self righteous as Dr. Laura or wordy and fluffy as John Gray. She is direct, intriguing, honest, and helpful to all--married, divorced, single, male, female, all ethnicity's, ages, and sexual orientations.
This book is great for 1. Single people looking for love. 2. People who keep making bad choices in relationships. 3. Divorced people who still don't understand why. 4. And people considering marriage.
The exercises really dig in and have you answer the really tough questions that everyone is afraid to ask you--and you are afraid to ask yourself. And it is the only self help book that does not revolve around religion and it does not condemn any lifestyles. It caters to the individual. That's something new!
The ladies that are divorcing or divorced now know why and they no longer pull the "Victim Card." The ladies looking for love now make better judgements. I, also, purchased this book for 3 of my co-workers who are all planning to marry within the next year. They have a oral contract with me and each other to complete this book with their future wives and husband as well as go through pre-marital counseling. No excuses.
I mean business and so does Barbara!!! Marriages should be built to last! There is no "Poor Me" in a marriage. Everything you need to know will come out sooner or later. Don't waste time! $5.20 is nothing compared to the cost of being a victim.
Thanks, Barbara!!!
29 people found this helpful
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Cheating is a character flaw, too

The author's main advice for finding a good mate is concentrating on good character rather than a good personality. Good advice, however, in the 4 examples below, she forgets it.

EXAMPLE #1 - Lenny

Lenny says he married Krista because of family pressure. After 20 years of marriage, he has 4 affairs, and explains, "It's not that I didn't love Krista. But I wasn't ready to marry her, or anyone."

The author reacts by saying, "Lenny had robbed himself of a chance to experience love and happiness." However, in another section, she had said, "People who frequently bend the truth may have a 'life isn't fair' attitude, and they consider dishonesty a strategy for getting an advantage." She adds, "In other words, something is inherently wrong with their value system."

Lenny revealed his "life isn't fair" attitude by blaming family pressure for getting married. He also revealed his inherently wrong value system by using cheating as a strategy that robbed HIS WIFE 20 years of love and happiness. So Lenny didn't love Krista as claimed and marriage wasn't his real issue.

Instead of focusing on Lenny's character, the author focuses on his good personality. She says, "I watched Lenny weep like a frightened little boy, and felt so much empathy for this man." But Lenny wasn't a little boy. He was an adult who played the victim card because it gave him an advantage.

EXAMPLE #2 - Daniel

Daniel cheated on his wife, Elsa, because he perceived her as too needy. He claimed to have an "inability to break [his wife's] heart" but felt trapped, saying, "If I did what would make me happy, leave, it would kill her." So, "four days later, [he and Josie] ended up sleeping together."

So Daniel didn't think cheating would break his wife's heart? Or that leaving would only kill her, but not cheating?

The author says her "heart hurt for Daniel" because she saw "genuine anguish in his eyes". However, in another section, she had written, "[Those with a victim mentality] would rather you feel guilty by looking upset and hurt than lose your sympathy by confronting you with their true hostility."
And that's what Daniel's "anguished eyes" were all about.

She also says, "How did Daniel get into this painful situation? He allowed himself to be motived by guilt rather than by real love." However, if Daniel felt THAT guilty, he never would've cheated because his guilt -- being his greatest motivator -- would've stopped him. So he really cheated because he cared more about making himself happy than in breaking his wife's heart. He then avoided accountability by saying "we ended up sleeping together" rather than owning that deliberate decision.

So once again, the author focuses on a good personality over good character.

EXAMPLE #3 - Carlos

Carlos cheated on his wife, Wendy, with her sister, Stacie. While Wendy was on a business trip, she had him promise to have Stacie over to cook him dinner. Carlos claims he protested, but Wendy insisted. He adds, "I know I was wrong to cheat on my wife, but am I wrong to want to have a good sex life?"

If Carlos protested at all, I doubt it was that hard. He wanted Stacie there, but instead of admitting that, he blames his wife for pushing them together.

His apology is insincere, too. Whenever someone starts with "I'm sorry, but..." whatever follows that "but" is the truth. Carlos says his cheating was wrong "but" wasn't he entitled to good sex? It's that very entitlement that kept him from being truly sorry.

Carlos admits he was never sexually attracted to his wife and from that admission, the author concludes that if you, too, don't marry someone you're sexually attracted to, "you'll make yourself prone to sexual infidelity" and will one day "wake up...and find [yourself]...in a complicated affair."

I highly doubt Halle Berry, Elizabeth Hurley, Eva Longoria, Denise Richards, Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Aniston, Erin Nordegon, and Uma Thurman were cheated on because their partners were never sexually attracted to them.

People cheat on those they're sexually attracted to and those they're not, so lacking sexual attraction doesn't cause cheating. Lacking good character does. This message is irresponsible and like Daniel, passively stated. Saying you'll wake up and find yourself in an affair implies you played no part in making that happen, when you did.

EXAMPLE #4 - How to respond to 2 cheating situations

This last examples involves what to say if a married person wants to start an affair with you....or if already involved, what to say to them.

If already involved, you're to say:
-- "I love you very much, but what we are doing is not healthy for anyone, and I love myself too much to let myself be treated this way. I can't see you anymore. If you leave your partner, call me and let me know."

While it's good to advise ending an affair, the reasoning is self-involved. There's a short acknowledgment about this being unhealthy for others, but mostly it's centered on ME and MY mistreatment. The bigger mistreatment, however, is duping an unsuspecting spouse. Playing accomplice to this cruel game should be the main reason to end an affair.

If not involved, you're to say:
-- "I care about you very much, but I have a rule. I never get involved with someone who is with another person. If you leave the relationship, please let me know."

Again, it's good she's advising against affairs, however, the wording implies this person is still a catch, but they're not. If you're the one pulling the brakes, it means this person lacks the self-control to do that themselves. And by seeking an affair, they're also revealing a disrespect for marital boundaries, a belief that deception solves problems, and an entitlement to bend rules to their advantage.
Why would you ever want this person to call you?

In a different section, the author had written, "When you find a partner who's irresponsible, you have, in a sense, stumbled upon a child in an adult's body. Loveable, perhaps even sympathetic, but certainly not ready for an adult relationship." Good advice. Too bad she can't see how these seemingly lovable and sympathetic people are too irresponsible for an adult relationship.
24 people found this helpful
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Barbara is a Godsend!

I have read several of Barbara's books, and they have all been very helpful. The insights that she provides into the workings of relationships and the human mind are easy to understand yet powerful and potentially life-changing!

Some readers have criticized her because she has had several failed relationships, but she has learned from those failures and from the people she has counseled, which I think makes her much better suited to give advice! Her books are very straightforward, even a little simplistic, but they will help you see patterns in your life and learn what you can do to make changes for the better. This book is for anyone who's been through not-right or almost-right relationships and wants to understand why things didn't work and how to choose better the next time. A great book for both women and men. If more people would stop and take this advice into consideration, they could save themselves a lot of heartache.

A note: Many of Barbara's books overlap one another, sometimes with whole passages repeated verbatim from one book to another. For instance, I read this book followed by her book "The Real Rules" and found the second book to basically be a watered-down version of this one. Get this book and you'll be in good shape. Women, I also recommend "Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know." Men might even benefit from that book; it reveals some great insights about why men do the things they do, and even my usually stubborn ex admitted that most of it was dead-on.

Basically, you can't go wrong with Barbara! Her books are super cheap and are packed with great advice. Do yourself a favor and check them out!
14 people found this helpful
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Great book to evaluate your relationship

I recently ended an engagement from a relationship that was initially very fulfilling but ended up being unfulfilling for both of us. I knew I needed to end the relationship, but the reasons for doing so weren't exactly clear to me. Reading this book I realized a multitude of mistakes that I made getting into the relationship in the first place and how I compounded those mistakes later.
The exercises in the book made things very clear and I now am aware of my bad habits in forming relationships and can also look for bad habits out of potential partners. It helped ease some of my heartache and I am now better prepared for finding that special someone and choosing her for the right reasons, not the wrong ones as was my trend in the past. I also have identified some things I need to work on myself that I wasn't fully aware of before.
I especially liked the compatibility rating exercise, made me realize how I was letting a couple areas of very strong compatibility overshadow many areas where we weren't compatible.
8 people found this helpful
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Helpful

I read all of the one star reviews before I started writing this. I do see how they would have come to those conclusions about this book. The author does not advocate leaving your partner, but trying to fix problems in the relationship. I agree that compatibility has a lot to do with making a relationship work. She does not say that making a relationship work is easy, but the partners should not be miserable in the relationship. She lists various relationships that do not work and red flags and fatal flaws. I agree that some of these should be avoided, but some of them can be worked through as she states in the book. She lists misconceptions of love and I agree with them. In response to another reviewrer: I do not believe that love conquers all. I love a male, and he loves me, but the relationship will never work. I couldn't exactly explain why, but we have made several attempts to make it work and it does not. I am currently single and she makes suggestions as to what to look for and what is important to me in a relationship. It has made me more optimistic in the search for Mr. Right. She also lists exercises that help me understand why I choose the people I do which is helpful. The exercises are very Freudian, of whom I am not a fan. They are helpful, but other psychological perspectives should be used in the understanding of why you choose who you choose. I agree with her that attraction to somebody can come over time and is not necessarily instantaneous. I have had some experience with that. Overall, I think that it is a very helpful book for people who are single and have been hurt in the past and are pessimistic, but desire a healthy relationship. It is a good start into understanding why you choose who you choose.
7 people found this helpful
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Don't take it too literally

There are two types of negative reviews for this book. Those in denile about their current relationship who are pissed off that the book pointed something out, or those who are grazing through hundred of pages for a few things they don't like. No book is going to be 100% for everything. It's a book, not a therapist. And personal attacks do not make a logical argument, you have to say what's wrong with the book!

After several months I've still been trying to get over my last gf. Well, last year when I was 28, she was my first gf. My low self esteem, and some other problems led me into a total hell, all the time thinking that she was "the one" for me. I used to be severly depressed, but am now over that...so I found someone who was current depressed, addicted to multiple drugs, and went on a rescue mission. Her chapters on trying to rescue someone, and a partner on drugs made total sense to me. And I was in so much denile. At the time I had a therapist, (80% of the conversation was about my gf) who even told me she was abusive, but I did not want to listen. I suppose if I had the book them I would not have listened either.

But now I see why I've been attracted to depressed people (that gf wasn't the only one), and just recently met a new person. The type of person I chose to find, and for the most part the books advice doesn't say not to go with her.

One thing I don't like, is a part that is telling me not to date cause my self esteem is low and I should inward first. This is what I mean that it's a book, and the information shouldn't be the ten comandments written in stone. I didn't date my whole life cause of low self-esteem. Now after radical changes to my health and working out so much with my therapist, the book is telling me not to date. But dating makes me feel so much better. It's fun, and I like myself more after having a good time, and getting and email from a girl that she enjoyed being with me. The key is finding somone whose compatable with me, not some psycho who's going to take advantage of my low self esteem, and for me to learn not to put my problems on someone else.

But face the facts, if we have to be all together before we find someone, and have to be totaly happy and everything, then what's the point on looking for someone? And isn't part of having a parnter, to have someone who helps you, or to help him/her through the tough times?

well, thanks to this, I'm so over my ex gf
3 people found this helpful
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Questioning your Relationship? READ THIS BOOK!

This book is one of the best "self help" books I've ever read! De Angelis knows the stuff of good, and bad, relationships ... and I don't care how many times she's been married/divorced! The self-help exercises and worksheet really assisted me in discovery who I was so that I could understand why I was in the type of relationship I was in. Nonetheless, I had one foot out the door, but this book gave me the tools and the confidene to make the second foot follow!
3 people found this helpful
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Recommended by a friend for my daughter

While my friend recommended it for my daughter, I read it first. The book is obviously geared towards women, but does offer some ideas and suggestions for men as well. There are a lot of good points to ponder in the book and things that can make a person think. That being said, the book seems to suggest the best resolution to all relationship problems is to end the relationship. In some cases this makes sense, but in many it does not. I would encourage people with relationship problems to read the book for self-improvement ideas but ignore the fatalistic thread woven throughout it. It's a great way to uncover your own problems to work on.
2 people found this helpful
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Great Read!!!

This is an excellent book. I have honestly learned more about myself, why I do some of the crazy things I do, and why I've seemingly picked the same type of 'wrong female partner' over, and over again. I think Barbara De Angelis opinions are honest, fair, helpful, straightforward, and insightful. I really had a hard time putting this book down. It's made me think, learn, and sometimes laugh from the bottom of my belly.
This book is a step by step process of 'what to do' and 'how to do it.' I've learned more about (I should say confirmed) common mistakes people make in starting a relationship, why some relationships don't have a chance, and how to choose the right partner for me.
I think the best way I can express how I feel about this book is what I did for a good friend. She was lacking confidence in choosing 'Mr. Right' and avoiding 'Mr. Wrong.' I sent her a copy of this book hoping that she would read and learn from it.
I know I certainly have!!!
2 people found this helpful
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GET SPECIFIC.

Finally a one-stop-shopping manual for the arduous selection process of finding well-suited love. This book validates so much of what we learn the hard way. I refer it to every one of the 300 monthly callers I get who want to know the when, if, how and why of the love or lack of love in their life. Stops the chaos. Puts closure on the past. Helps one realize they've been a volunteer, not a victim. And gives forthright steps to take into a healthy relationship with oneself and others.
2 people found this helpful

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